~ It’s funny how everyone says there’s always one weirdo in a group. I’ve never seen one…
~ Just because someone’s been “in the business for 20 years” doesn’t mean they’re good at it.
~ Not to brag, but I haven’t even been arrested yet this year.
~ Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.
~ You know on airplanes how they bring that cart with snacks and drinks right to your seat? I want one of those in my house.
~ I’m not depressed… I’m just conserving my enthusiasm.
~ All those years I spent not liking cilantro; it turns out that what I really needed to learn to like… was myself.
~ We are using lasers to fix our eyes instead of shooting lasers out of our eyes. 2015 sucks.
~ I took the “Which Disney Princess Are You?” quiz and got Quasimodo.
~ Did you know one of McDonald’s mascots is a guy who steals from McDonald’s?
~ It’s never a good time to make fun of Dyslexia. Won ton. Not ever.
~ I’ll stop hatin’… when you stop stupidin’.
~ It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
~ I’m the smartest person I know… and I’m an idiot.
~ I have been known to, on occasion, take the oxy out of oxymoron.
~ It’s not my fault you thought I was normal.
~ I’m just going to lay here until enthusiasm finds me.
~Good thing about social media is that if you have nothing to say you can just go ahead and say it.
~ Saw a woman at Wal*Mart wearing sweatpants with Juicy on the butt. Unless she’s Hebrew and bragging about her eyesight, she needs to burn them.
~ Good life choices aren’t really my thing.
~ Some days my only wish is for a wood chipper in the backyard.
~ Pro-tip: When in doubt, look intelligent…
~ If you have to ask me, “What the hell were you thinking?” … chances are I have no idea.
~ Whatever it is you think I’m lacking, I guarantee you I more than make up for it with many other lacks.
~ There’s a fine line between “I hate everything” and “I ate everything.”
~ Even though I promised, I’ve never told our mutual acquaintance “hello” from you.
~ I only 2 years past 50, and yet I’m already content with sitting outside in a lawn chair all day unless you give me something better to do.
~ I walk a very fine line between “adorably disheveled,” and “maybe he should seek more professional help.”
~ Weight Watchers sounds too judgmental for me.
~ Age does not beget wisdom.
~ We’re now much closer to finding a cure for cancer than comprehending the allure and popularity of plastic lawn flamingos.
~ Worrying won’t prevent tomorrow’s problems… it just steals today’s peace.
~ Smiling gives me a headache.
~ WTH Bit Me Now? – A travel guide to Hickville Holler (Pop 2)
~ I’m trying this diet where I just replace fruits and veggies with newer, fatter friends.
~ The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
~ I didn’t lose my dignity. I took it down with me.
~ It’s not that I mind doing things… I just mind doing them before noon.
~ I took a shower this morning… and it turns out I don’t actually have freckles.
~ Note to the lady in the Wal*Mart check-out line: Buy new support bras or your knees will never tan this summer.