~ Objects in my mirror are sadder than they appear.
~ I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.
~ Not to brag or anything, but I’ve been known to drive people to drink.
~ Life is my favorite spectator sport.
~ The one person you can never hide from is yourself.
~ Our cat is pissed that I buy her senior food now. She won’t admit she’s older. So I scratch out the “i” on each can and tell her it’s Mexican.
~ If I hit 100k followers today dinner is on me.
~ The cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage and I have no idea where she got it from, but it tasted expensive.
~ Sometimes, the urge to scrapbook becomes overwhelming.
~ Costco is a place of acceptance. Where else can I, as a fat guy, buy a metric ton of Pringles without being judged?
~ I’m at my most athletic when the Krispy Kreme “Hot Now” light turns on.
~ I’m under absolutely no obligation to make sense.
~ A license to have children should be a thing.
~ A wise man once said nothing back to a woman.
~ My motto is walk softly and carry a big shovel.
~ It’s not that I don’t trust OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy), but my will has a clause that requires 20 witnesses to confirm I’m dead before she attempts to cremate me.
~ Nothing is worth it if you are not happy.
~ Because, I don’t want to. <--- The only reason I ever need to not do something. ~ "What's the worst that can happen?" - Me, six hours before asking for bail money and a good lawyer. ~ The only problem with sarcasm is... it only works on intelligent people. ~ My new fitness goal: To weigh what I told the DMV I weigh. ~ Remember, we're all going to end up back in diapers. You're welcome. ~ A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it... it just blooms. ~ I just want to make your day... every day. ~ Never let your failures get to your heart and never let your success get to your head. ~ It's all fun and games until you do what you do... and then there's no Klondike bar. ~ If you say "OMG!" while reading my posts, you should just unfollow me now because it just gets worse. Trust me. ~ I'm perfectly content with the things I didn't accomplish today. ~ I'm starting to notice a new trend in my life... I continue to care less and less about more and more each day. ~ I’ll get out of bed to have a nap on the couch. ~ What I lack in confidence I make up for in my lack of charm. ~ I'm not deleting it. It's not my fault your sense of humor is atrocious. ~ Last month I spent over $3000 riding the mechanical duck outside various Wal*Mart stores.
~ I think I’m good enough to play football for ITT Tech…
~ So apparently “turn on the oven” doesn’t mean to do a striptease for the aforementioned oven. In other news, I’m out of my cooking class.
~ I saw a Prius with a radar detector in the window yesterday. Now THAT is optimism.
~ I spend most of my free time trying to figure out how to get out of doing something.
~ My 2-year-old neighbor is screaming at me because her ice is too cold. If you need me, I’ll be pondering why I still live here…
~ A downward spiral sounds a lot safer that deadly plummet, so that’s what I’m on thank you very much.
~ I was going to be happy today, but I woke up and I was still me.
~ I knew I was pretty twisted when my therapist told me “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”