~ I’m smart enough to know what’s right; I’m just not dumb enough to do it.
~ I seldom apologize because I’m normally not sorry. Simple really.
~ I don’t have mood swings… I just have multiple personalities with their own individual moods.
~ Bored of existing…
~ I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
~ My neighbor says any day can be a holiday if you put a flag in your yard and then pass out drunk in the front yard. And she celebrates a LOT…
~ My wingman is just one of my other personalities.
~ There is just no greater joy than watching OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) being chased by a moth.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning. I just LOVE Sharpies…
~ WOW… the NSA just starred a post I deleted two days ago.
~ Diet and exercise are two sides of the same coin… and I put that coin in a vending machine for a Snickers bar.
~ Absolutely nothing worse than trimming your fingernails and THEN realizing you gotta pick your nose. Yeah… I spend a lot of time alone.
~ The worst thing about wishing upon a star is opening my eyes and realizing that I’m not dead.
~ Waiting for someone else to make you happy… is the best way to be sad.
~ The Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Cafe has started employing disabled people, which is nice, except for when I order a coffee and get served a pint of sausages.
~ I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do this morning when a bee flew near my face.
~ I’m likin’ how you can really taste the ‘z’ in this can of spray cheeze…
~ OK ITT Tech… I’m gonna go ahead and say what everyone is thinking: stop using actual students and hire actors.
~ Not everyone you lose is a loss.
~ Thanks, that was helpful, love to hear more. – And other things I never said to my co-workers.
~ I’m thinkin’ that when Whodini wrote The Freaks Come Out at Night, they had obviously never been to a Wal*Mart at 3:00 in the afternoon.
~ Nothing makes your day like over hearing your wife tell her best friend that she has always been attracted to plain looking and ugly guys.
~ ‘This bathing suit is a bit snug… I’ll take it.’ – America
~ Always respect someone who tells you the truth… no matter how painful.
~ My ADHD is so bad I can’t even drink juice from concentrate.
~ Don’t blame me… I’m genetically predisposed to being an idiot.
~ I’m very grateful that I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
~ Honestly, I’m glad I met everyone in my life… the good and the bad. The good make me thankful and the bad make me learn my lessons.
~ I can’t believe anyone can’t believe I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is not butter.
~ Sometimes there is no next time… no second chance… no timeout. Sometimes it’s now or never.
~ Life is too short to worry about stupid things… so just put me out of your mind.
~ Never waste a second chance.
~ You truly do not know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
~ I was watching a commercial for a show about an unlovable loser when I realized my TV was off and it was just my reflection on the screen.
~ So today I got a letter of rejection letter from the neighbor kid’s lemonade stand. Jobs are tough to come by lately.
~ My life is like a roller coaster; sometimes it’s fun… sometimes you puke… and I always look like crap in the pictures.