~ When am I going to learn to stop Googling the meaning of words I hear in rap songs?
~ I bet my Auto Correct and Spell Check get together behind my back and talk about what an idiot I am.
~ I have never experienced an awkward silence. I have always found them all blissful.
~ The newest Hickville Holler (Pop 2) dental clinic has gone out of business. I warned them that naming the clinic The Cavity Search was a bad idea.
~ I’m not a real idiot… I just plays one in real life.
~ Day 2 of getting ignored by OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m going to have to do it again because it’s kind of peaceful.
~ Our local ice cream truck needs to play better music… and start serving drinks.
~ I wish I could remember exactly at what age I started accompanying every movement with a noise.
~ I think OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) laughter at my jokes could be best described as, “Polite.”
~ I used to think my headaches were from my brain absorbing tons of information… but I finally realized it was most likely trying to escape and find a better host.
~ My target audience: Anyone who will read what I post!
~ People who tolerate me on a daily basis… they’re the REAL heroes.
~ Got up. Did stuff. Back in bed. It’s my circle of life.
~ I’m actually pretty good-looking… when you’re not comparing me to anyone else.
~ You don’t have to post every stupid thought that pops into your head I say as I post every stupid thought that pops into my head.
~ Look, if I wanted your opinion… well, then I’d be a dumbass, too.
~ If I did an interpretive dance based on my life, it would just be me spinning in circles out of control until I vomited.
~ My kid has started calling my truck ‘Dad’ because the older it gets, the further it drifts to the right.
~ Before I die, I want to invent a cocktail, and participate in a police line-up. And tonight, I just might do both.
~ If Social Media graded on a curve, I’d be hilarious.
~ Whenever I see a person trip and fall, I wonder if my telekinetic powers have finally kicked in.
~ I lay awake many nights thinking about all the bad decisions I’ve made… and why no one on Sesame Street will offer Oscar a place to live.
~ If you’re stupid enough to put a “no tailgating” sticker on your car you better drive faster than 45 mph on the freeway.
~98% of the time I’m just too damn hungry to Instagram my food.
~ Some guy stopped by my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) single-wide today and asked me to sign a petition that would ban petitions, but I didn’t sign it. I hate petitions.
~ Just saw a commercial for adult acne medicine that can cause FATAL diarrhea. FATAL. I think I’d find something else to help with the acne.
~ Each time I don’t get carded at the liquor store, I get another wrinkle and a new grey hair.
~ You’d think ONE of my personalities would be cool, but…
~ If I actually lived every day like it was my last there would be a manhunt searching for me.
~ I know the Bible says woman was made from the rib of a man, but this lady in front of me in the Wal*Mart checkout looks like she was made from a McRib.
~ I’m a good man; diligent, thoughtful, trusting and kind, but I do follow my heart at times and my heart can be a sonofabitch.
~ Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right.
~ The founder of Weight Watchers has died, thus proving that dieting doesn’t help.
~ Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot flashes, etc and men have to deal with women… so it’s kind of a tie.
~ Dudes… lighten up on the cologne. You want the girls to barely get a hint then ask to lean in… not smell you from the parking lot.
~ I’m not the type of person you should EVER put on speaker.