~ I hate to think my fate could end up in the hands of a group of strangers that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
~ If you ignore all your responsibilities for the week, they do not go away. Apparently.
~ I wish my middle finger was more patient and understanding.
~ Some days I feel like a piñata that’s been beaten … but just won’t break.
~ I hate when people say, “Don’t be retarded” … like I can help it.
~ You know you’re broke when Creamy Chicken flavored Ramen Noodles make up the dairy, meat, and bread groups on your food pyramid.
~ If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
~ Not enough people run with scissors.
~ A truly full-service car wash would have tacos.
~ Why push a grocery cart when you can just ride it?
~ I lost the plot a long time ago.
~ I Can’t Believe We Still Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
~ It’s not funny to put a plastic shopping bag over someone’s head from behind under ANY circumstances … according to HR at my old job.
~ I found out I’m prequalified for an Old Navy credit card!! My GOD … have I made it? I promise not to let this go to my head. Oops. Getting dizzy …
~ My niche is being able to pronounce niche.
~ I once bought the wrong kind of compass and ended lost in the middle of nowhere … but was able to draw perfect circles.
~ My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
~ Just when I think, “I couldn’t care less,” BAM … there it is. Less.
~ I’m still searching for that haircut that really changes my life.
~ I enter every roundabout prepared to die. I was on pins and needles the entire time we were in Ireland …