~ I have really bad reflexes until it comes to catching dropped food before it hits the floor.
~ E-Harmony would probably match me with a bucket of chicken.
~ As long as I never think about them, I’m totally fine with all of my life decisions.
~ You could say I’m a people person. You’d be dead wrong, but you could say it.
~ I use dust bunnies to make wreaths to hang on the shrine of my deceased aspirations.
~ I just want to reach that point in my life where name brand tissues aren’t a luxury item.
~ My closet smells like if a hotdog could fart.
~ I am most at peace when drinking my first cup of coffee in the morning. It’s all downhill from there.
~ More people should be ashamed of their toes.
~ That which doesn’t kill you makes you a liability.
~ Ok. Just need to make it through the next 15,000 days or so, then all this nonsense will finally be over.
~ I find it totally unfair when people make assumptions based on 38 or 39 things I’ve said.
~ I can’t tell if my life is unbelievably awesome or incredibly depressing.
~ I don’t sleep enough, but I also sleep all the time. Do you see my problem?
~ My medical ID bracelet says “Just let it happen.”
~ Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
~ I’m willing to do whatever it takes as long as it’s convenient and I’m not too hungry.
~ Everything seems like such a good idea until you have to actually do it.
~ If we ALL go back to bed, there’s nothing they can do.
~ I saw a guy in town today walking 4 dogs and thought, “Wow! That guy must be REALLY blind.”
~ Every time I pass a sign that says “END ROAD WORK,” I wonder if it’s just hippies protesting the DOT.
~ Every girl I ever dated had horrible taste in men.
~ I get my cardio walking back to the kitchen to get another slice of pizza.
~ In my will I’m leaving everything to the imagination.
~ Our dog is sensitive to loud noises… like people whispering at the end of the block or a leaf falling from a tree.
~ I don’t make a grocery-shopping list. I just walk around the store until I get bored.
~ I can actually hear people’s spelling mistakes when they’re talking to me.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor had sex with his second cousin last weekend… actually third… if you count Janet.
~ My name followed by “or current resident” makes me think Bed Bath and Beyond isn’t really interested in making this relationship work.
~ My body is making dial-up Internet sounds, so that’s probably not good.
~ So here I sit… shopping online for pajamas while wearing pajamas.
~ If I can’t say anything nice, I say something clever, but devastating.
~ I didn’t really feel old until I noticed that people born in the year 2000 will legally be able to drive next year.
~ I overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project… and I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
~ My life in high school was exactly like Sex and The City, except I did’t have a sex life or live in New York. Basically I had three friends.
~ I heard Pluto wasn’t considered a Disney character anymore.
~ A homeless guy just invited me to a house party… so I’m a bit confused right now.
~ I think stop signs in parking lots are adorable.
~ To me, the worst part about waking up is when reality sets in and learning I’m not a disco spaceship captain anymore.