~ For a road less traveled there sure are a lot of pot holes.
~ If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a failure. It is what it is.
~ I’m really good at appearing like I know what the heck is going on.
~ Since my way is always wrong, the highway would be a much better choice.
~ Do old people even know you can’t haggle prices in line at Wal*Mart?
~ When push comes to shove, I almost always choose to shove.
~ 97% of my life is spent wondering what the heck I did wrong this time.
~ I fell asleep by the pool once and OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) pushed me in. It would have been funny had she not tied blocks to my ankles…
~ My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
~ If I get sick, I hope the bug sticks around for 35 or 40 pounds.
~ If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating.
~ Protip: Never ask OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) what’s for dinner when she’s angry…
~ Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
~ I there should be a prize at the bottom of a chapstick… like a small rock or a bacon bit or something.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) went to Men’s Warehouse recently and was TOTALLY disappointed that all they sold was suits.
~ I’d like a job where I don’t have to remember anybody’s name. And if I got to blow a whistle at people, that’d be good too.
~ I’m not going to let a little thing like labored breathing stop me from finishing this pan of lasagna.
~ I’m not usually jealous of other people’s weekend plans, but a man just walked through the TrailerHood carrying a big bottle of Drano and a pineapple.
~ My neighbor ran out of paper plates so he’s eating on a Frisbee. Don’t EVEN ask how his divorce went…
~ The last time OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I had an argument, a hundred pounds of quicklime showed up on the porch the next morning. Message received.
~ The only reason I keep a landline is so I can find my cell phone.
~ I named our new hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
~ The security guards at the front gate always thought it was hilarious how I yelled “I QUIT!” every day as I left work.
~ My typos are few and fart between. And I rarely proof freed.
~ I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
~ Sometimes it’s just easier to agree than try to find a place to hide the body.
~ My neighbor is living proof you can drink yourself retarded.
~ I accidentally drank an Ensure this morning and then I drove eight miles with my blinker on and with the waist of my pants covering my nipples.
~ It’s one of those days I wish the Mayans had been right.
~ My laziness is best demonstrated by my unwillingness to even toast my pop tarts.
~ My pizza just told me “you look good in sweatpants.”
~ Nothing like a mirror to ruin my day.
~ I’d be the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok.”
~ Put your shoes on, kids, we’re IN West Virginia… not FROM West Virginia.
~ I wish my bathtub had a swim up bar.
~ I wish I took anything as seriously as a middle aged white guy preparing for a 5K fun run.
~ Did you know you get sincere personal advice and the correct time by calling a random telephone number in the middle of the night?
~ The amount of pain you feel, is measured by your capacity of love. The greater you love, the more you hurt…