~ Without a doubt… here ‘round Hickville Holler (Pop 2), nothing is more romantic than matching switchblade knives.
~ I’m pretty sure I’m just a pile of flaws rather than a personality.
~ It’s getting harder and harder to find light-up sneakers in my size.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has told me a million times not to exaggerate.
~ I’m always grateful for that one friend who is more of a screw up than me.
~ As a man who has survived both pepper spray and mustard gas I am now well seasoned.
~ I wish OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) would stop interrogating me and just tell me if I’m supposed to like her hair.
~ If you think I won’t dig a box out of the trash for the eighth time to read the microwave directions cause I forgot, you better think again.
~ My comments are always funnier if you have something wrong with you.
~ People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) looks at me weird just because I use the measuring cup to dose my NyQuil.
~ I was going to post a pic of my breakfast, but I think you all know what a pop tart looks like.
~ I don’t know why all these new folks are following me lately, but welcome aboard. My question is this: Y’all sure you wanna do this?
~ I’ve actually started going to the gym everyday. Granted, I just sit in the parking lot and cry while gripping my stomach flab, but I go.
~ When they say “all expenses paid” they never include bail.
~ A four-way stop is a public IQ test here in Hickville Holler (Pop 2).
~ I beginning to suspect my couch contains slow release chloroform.
~ I HATE when the cop still puts me in the back seat even after I CLEARLY called shotgun.
~ If you ever need absolutely nothing, I am totally here for you.
~ Around my single-wide, the only thing you’ll find us doing upscale is cleaning fish.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has decided to give our pile of laundry one more day to do itself.
~ I hate to see a 83-year-old heart patient out there mowing the grass, but I won that bet fair and square… and Grandma has to learn.
~ Let’s agree to disagree… then you can appear to disappear.
~ My love for proper grammar no’s know bounds.
~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says, “Well I guess you don’t HAVE to do it.” … I know I better just do it.
~ As horrible as this may sound, sometimes I just wish stupidity was terminal for some people.
~ What if passwords required yodeling?
~ In public restrooms, if someone knocks on the stall door, I tell them to come in.
~ I’m tired of ATMs laughing at me when I check my balance.
~ So apparently you only get to do a book tour for writing a book… not just for reading one.
~ My favorite job was right out of high school as a pharmacy cashier. I was yelling for a price check every time someone checked out with anal ointment, condoms, or men buying tampons.
~ I once went out with a girl back in High School that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
~ Any mile I run is the Miracle Mile.
~ It seems the only time I see Oklahoma on the news is when something has blown away, blown up, or burned down. Their main export must be tragedy.
~ I’ve never seen an actual zombie attack, but I did see 10 motorized scooters move towards a free sample lady at a Sam’s Club at the same time once.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.