jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 8-3-2015

~ I may be my own worst enemy, but at least I picked a worthy opponent… so I’ve got that going for me.

~ At my old job I used to spend entire meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

~ I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.

Rollitos-NC

~ If you pronounce it “foy-yay” instead of “foy-yer,” I’m not rich enough or classy enough to be invited to your trailer. In fact, if you don’t just call it a “hall,” lose my number.

~ If I hear the bell of an ice cream van I instantly become five years old again… but fortunately, with the wallet of a middle aged dude.

~ I’ve been clinging to hope for so long my arms hurt.

~ KEURIG is Dutch for “I’m just making one cup so screw all you guys make your own.”

~ I’m at my most badass when popping a wheelie with my grocery cart in Wal*Mart.

~Sorry I didn’t understand you. I left my “Your-English-to-Real-English” Dictionary at home.

~ Maybe I just like doing things the hard way. You don’t know.

~ You can’t spell Families without lies.

~ The thing about my last job is people kept wanting me to do stuff and doing stuff wasn’t really my “thing.”

~ I’m just gonna stand in front of the fridge until some tacos appear.

~ Do you think the homeless with the Target shopping carts look down on the homeless with the Wal*Mart carts?

~ This post is useless and just takes up space. Kinda like me.

~ People need to learn the difference between being a bully and someone simply stating the truth.

~ The white trash gene is always dominant.

white-trash-family

~ Please don’t bother me… I’m busy sneezing and coughing my way to 6-pack abs.

~ Winning an argument with a woman is like setting yourself on fire to light a candle.

~ No, I don’t want to share my email, join a loyalty program, donate $1 to charity, add a warranty or have fries with that. But thanks.

~ My treadmill is the road less traveled.

ignored-home-treadmill

~ I just apologized to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

~ Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

~ Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

~ Does Hallmark make a “sorry I said your haircut looked like an orangutan got stabbed to death and thrown in a fire” card?

~ You’re not really dead inside until you’re emotionless about a scoop of ice cream falling off your cone.

~ What is up with these people who relentlessly want to do stuff? It’s not a doing stuff contest.

~ So I found out today that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

~ I would like to reiterate that me taking a few squirrels into Burger King didn’t have to involve the police.

~ Sometimes I eat things off the ground that you probably shouldn’t even eat off a plate.

~ I’ve been 1st runner up in every disagreement I’ve ever had with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).

~ I’m in the prime of my strife.

~ You might remember me from such films as “KFC Surveillance Tape” and “Man Falls Off Stage At Southern Gospel Concert.”

~ As a woman, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) never has any idea what the hell she wants… but she’ll get mad if she doesn’t get it.

~ Had my Waterpik on high and almost blew my brains out this morning.

~ I’m right handed but sometimes I pick my nose left handed. Being ambidextrous really is a gift.

~ I mixed two breakfast cereals together this morning so I added “Chef” to my resume.

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