~ I may be my own worst enemy, but at least I picked a worthy opponent… so I’ve got that going for me.
~ At my old job I used to spend entire meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
~ I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
~ If you pronounce it “foy-yay” instead of “foy-yer,” I’m not rich enough or classy enough to be invited to your trailer. In fact, if you don’t just call it a “hall,” lose my number.
~ If I hear the bell of an ice cream van I instantly become five years old again… but fortunately, with the wallet of a middle aged dude.
~ I’ve been clinging to hope for so long my arms hurt.
~ KEURIG is Dutch for “I’m just making one cup so screw all you guys make your own.”
~ I’m at my most badass when popping a wheelie with my grocery cart in Wal*Mart.
~Sorry I didn’t understand you. I left my “Your-English-to-Real-English” Dictionary at home.
~ Maybe I just like doing things the hard way. You don’t know.
~ You can’t spell Families without lies.
~ The thing about my last job is people kept wanting me to do stuff and doing stuff wasn’t really my “thing.”
~ I’m just gonna stand in front of the fridge until some tacos appear.
~ Do you think the homeless with the Target shopping carts look down on the homeless with the Wal*Mart carts?
~ This post is useless and just takes up space. Kinda like me.
~ People need to learn the difference between being a bully and someone simply stating the truth.
~ The white trash gene is always dominant.
~ Please don’t bother me… I’m busy sneezing and coughing my way to 6-pack abs.
~ Winning an argument with a woman is like setting yourself on fire to light a candle.
~ No, I don’t want to share my email, join a loyalty program, donate $1 to charity, add a warranty or have fries with that. But thanks.
~ My treadmill is the road less traveled.
~ I just apologized to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
~ Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.
~ Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
~ Does Hallmark make a “sorry I said your haircut looked like an orangutan got stabbed to death and thrown in a fire” card?
~ You’re not really dead inside until you’re emotionless about a scoop of ice cream falling off your cone.
~ What is up with these people who relentlessly want to do stuff? It’s not a doing stuff contest.
~ So I found out today that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
~ I would like to reiterate that me taking a few squirrels into Burger King didn’t have to involve the police.
~ Sometimes I eat things off the ground that you probably shouldn’t even eat off a plate.
~ I’ve been 1st runner up in every disagreement I’ve ever had with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).
~ I’m in the prime of my strife.
~ You might remember me from such films as “KFC Surveillance Tape” and “Man Falls Off Stage At Southern Gospel Concert.”
~ As a woman, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) never has any idea what the hell she wants… but she’ll get mad if she doesn’t get it.
~ Had my Waterpik on high and almost blew my brains out this morning.
~ I’m right handed but sometimes I pick my nose left handed. Being ambidextrous really is a gift.
~ I mixed two breakfast cereals together this morning so I added “Chef” to my resume.