~ If there was movie made of my life, I would walk out of it … with popcorn of course, but I’d still walk.
~ I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve come in second place in every fight I’ve ever been in.
~ Sometimes I talk to stupid people to feel smart.
~ I just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
~ I’m so old, I remember running for the phone.
~ Did you know only the married squirrels hurl themselves under your wheels?
~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) I was gonna lay on the couch and watch football all day and yada yada yada this post is coming to you from Bed Bath and Beyond.
~ I say “Once I get my life together” entirely too much for someone my age.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is as high as a kite right now … so it appears the catapult is a success.
~ My McDonald’s sandwich tasted like an old fart today.
~ I just stabbed at a pea seven times with my fork in case you wondered about my level of dedication today.
~ I hate when I fatten up for a movie role … and then realize I’m not really an actor.
~ You can tell a lot about a person from a handshake. Just scratch with the thumbnail and try to get enough skin cells for a DNA analysis. Thank you CSI …
~ I’ve come up with a plan to better mankind by teaching homeless people how to square dance.
~ It’s harder to shoplift when the shopping cart’s wheel is squeaking.
~ Wow … that was exhausting. (Me after doing anything).
~ Like gravy through an hourglass, I, too, am a terrible idea.
~ It’s diet starts tomorrow o’clock.
~ Please … before calling me ask yourself, “Is this textable?”
~ Junk is something I’ve kept for years – and then throw away a week before I need it.