~ The job market is so bad that university graduates are having to take jobs at McDonald’s… so I’m hoping there will now be no mistakes with my food.
~ If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
~ I’m not saying I’d win Gold, but if losing your train of thought was an Olympic event my neighbor is a whore.
~ I’m “wears a helmet to get through life” stupid.
~ It’s was always important for me to teach my kid to be independent and self-reliant because I won’t be around forever… especially if I win the lottery.
~ If you question my vocabulatory skills, you can expect to get punched right in the plethora.
~ Effective tomorrow, I plan on becoming a medium… I like that the name alone implies that I won’t really have to try too hard.
~ It doesn’t have to make sense if it makes you smile.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I have a perfect understanding… I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.
~ My birthstone is macaroni and cheese…
~ Look, I didn’t want to eat a bag of Doritos for dinner, but I opened the pantry and they fell out and you just can’t argue with fate.
~ I‘d call my fashion style “clothes that still fit.”
~ While you may THINK it’s a vigorous match of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, it’s actually just me eating everything in sight.
~ At the next birthday party, fill a piñata with ketchup and watch the kids cry.
~ I’m starting to suspect that this Texas toast may not actually be from Texas. And my Hawaiian Punch makes me wonder, too.
~ Arapnaphobia is the sudden fear that comes over OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) right before I do a Jay-Z karaoke performance.
~ I’ve had an exhausting day of pulling the coffee table closer so I can reach my drink. Please donate to my kickstarter fund for one of those go-go-gadget-arms thingys.
~ I’d have amazing will power if it wasn’t for food.
~ In my defense, Officer, the toilet paper goes OVER, not under.
~ My closet has a lot of athletic clothing for someone with no athletic ability whatsoever.
~ ANY task I have to complete is a monumental task as far as I’m concerned.
~ I’m trying to eat healthier, so I had them add extra lettuce to my Triple Whopper today.
~ I’m currently in the process of transitioning from bitter to combative.
~ Entropy is the best word to describe me that no one is using.
~ The best part about going to Sam’s Club, is that I can get all the stuff I don’t need in bulk!
~ All this time I’ve been thinking “aftermath” was when I regained consciousness after trying to solve an algebra problem.
~ If there’s one thing people don’t like hearing it’s the truth about themselves.
~ If you’re not doing your laundry naked, you don’t really need to be doing your laundry.
~ If you think birthdays are depressing because you’re closer to death, just remember that you’re closer to death on all of the other days, too.
~ One of life’s greatest feelings is when they close the plane door and the seat next to you is still empty.
~ I’m convinced there’s a reason sociopaths are always smiling.
~ I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the Gummi Bears to sit up straight.
~ Believe me, if you actually met me, you’d like me even less.
~ I couldn’t agree with you more, except for all that stuff you said.
~ I’m experiencing a slight uptick in my will to live.
~ A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
~ I swear, watching people at the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him? …