~ If I didn’t constantly jump to conclusions, I’d get almost no cardio.
~ A wave of euphoria washes over me when I realize that every sock has a match.
~ I have nothing in common with people who do anything.
~ We’ve been out of Doritos since Saturday, so my diet is FULL BLOWN NOW!!
~ I’m very selective with who I let in my life because I alone am all the raging disappointment I can handle.
~ My cardio today consisted of manually turning on the TV since I couldn’t find the remote.
~ I am continually thwarted by the ‘press in’ tab on boxes of Macaroni and Cheese.
~ If elected, I promise that pizza delivery guys WILL be allowed to go through red lights like funeral processions.
~ This glass of happiness tastes a lot like Jack and Coke.
~ Apparently some of us bought our moral compass at the dollar store.
~ My new exercise regimen is performing some pretty sweet parkour moves getting from room to room because my singlewide is such a mess.
~ I nearly got into 3 major accidents on the highway today because I was trying to wave at a dog sticking it’s head out of a car window.
~ Just an FYI: You don’t need to arm wrestle the old ladies at Costco for a free sample … they just give them to you.
~ When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.
~ I sang Unchained Melody to my Hot Pocket as it was spinning in the microwave last night.
~ My psychiatrist asked if she could use my issues as a joke format in her stand-up routine Twitter.
~ I think 50% of my life is resetting passwords.
~ I used to think everyone who swerved all over the road was drunk driving. Now I just assume they’re texting, too.