~ Cap’n Crunch should really just cut to the chase and tell me how many calories are in the whole box.
~ One of the most memorable kisses I’ve ever has was from a sliding door which didn’t work that day.
~ I once drank piña coladas and danced the polka with a 70 year old woman on the front porch of a double wide trailer. There is no one whiter than I…
~ Plain Greek Yogurt is by far the healthiest way to enjoy eating sparkle.
~ Why is it called a paperback book? Shouldn’t it be a paper-throughout book?
~ I’m not saying I’m an idiot, but if some village comes looking… tell them you never saw me.
~ Party Tip: At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
~ I have no idea what enough ice cream feels like.
~ If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
~ I always keep a cookbook handy for when I want to see a picture of whatever dish OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) made was supposed to look like.
~ I’m nearly old enough to start keeping an extra pair of underwear in my glove compartment because I just can’t trust my farts anymore.
~ She wanted a cat… but I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat.
~ The more sports trivia he knows, the earlier in his childhood he got cut from the team.
~ I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you… all I’m saying is if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
~ The only thing that stands between me and achieving my dreams is the fact that I suck at most stuff.
~ When my teachers told me to make something of myself, I’m guessing a mockery wasn’t what they had in mind.
~ Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax.
~ I just burned 200 calories in 10 minutes, so I’m thinking it’s time for a new toaster.
~ I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
~ Apparently, when you’re car shopping, it’s inappropriate to test trunk space by putting some other shopper’s kids inside it.
~ I once asked my masseur for a happy ending… and I left with a balloon animal and a painted my face like Spiderman.
~ I like to walk up to people who are on the treadmill and look them square in the eyes while I increase their incline.
~ Intervening in an argument between OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and Melinda always brings about a resolution because it provides them with a common enemy.
~ I don’t believe all the women on IG are being completely truthful when they make comments on how “cute” or “gorgeous” another woman is.
~ I don’t think I’m depressed… I think I’m chronically sluggish.
~ “I ain’t a killer but don’t push me.” is the only appropriate response when the McDonalds lady tells you the McFlurry machine is broken.
~ Don’t ever underestimate a woman’s ability to find out anything, about anyone, at anytime.
~ My favorite thing about your Instagram posts are the 22 hashtags that never have anything to do with the photo. #Tuna
~ A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet! Now get in the van.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said that I am a terrible listener and a bunch of other stuff.
~ Microwave meals that need to cook for 15 minutes are kinda missing the whole point of being microwaveable.
~ How would I rate my attention deficit disorder? Well, on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest, I’d say that I smell fries.
~ My inner circle doesn’t have enough people to actually form a circle.
~ My doctor said I needed to reduce stress… so now I have that to worry about.
~ It’s leg day… so I’m headed to KFC.
~ Middle-age white women love spending six times as much money to craft something they could’ve bought at Target.