~ I’ve decided to give up on being funny… now I just want to make everyone uncomfortable.
~ I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) to make me feel like I’m the only guy in the world. Then I saw her looking at a map trying to find a deserted island…
~ So many morons … not enough natural selection.
~ I’ll have my kid spend 6 hours on Google if it means me not having to call tech-support.
~ Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.
~ I’m the reason we can’t have nice things.
~ “I think … therefore I am wrong.” ~ Any married guy.
~ I’m a Libra … you piss me off once and I’m done with you forever. Brittany from kindergarten is still dead to me after the nap mat incident.
~ I’ll never understand why OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) thinks I wasn’t listening just because I don’t know what she said…
~ Sadly, most radioactive spider bites result only in rashes, hospital visits, and diarrhea, but I’m gonna keep trying.
~ The bathroom stall I’m in says “tear tissue” … and it’s made me feel a whole lot better about crying on the toilet.
~ People who mix up words like “accept” and “except” shouldn’t be aloud on Social Media.
~ Remember when you were 5yrs old and the gumball/prize vending area at the front of the grocery store was your Las Vegas slots? Wow … life was so simple.
~ Is “Homewrecker” one word or two? I want my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s resume to look professional.
~ My soup of the day: Cake
~ If life keeps screwing me over I’m going to insist we get a room.
~ Have you ever eaten so much you had to check for hernias?
~ I’ve named all of the skeletons in my closet.
~ I’ve got the attention span of