~ Nobody loves anything as much as old people driving in the left lane love hitting their brakes for no dayum reason.
~ My best selfies come in the mail from traffic cameras.
~ It’s not that I’m lazy… it’s just that I really enjoy doing nothing.
~ They should have a countdown on the screen in movie theaters so you know if you have time to go to the bathroom before the movie starts.
~ I was going to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, but when I opened it, it was full of clean ones and now I don’t really want to get involved.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 7-year old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!” He learned it was not.
~ It isn’t whether you win or lose. It’s whether you left any traceable evidence at the scene…
~ Whatever, tape measure. I know 6 inches when I see it.
~ It’s funny going through some people’s timelines… you can almost see the moment they lost their sanity.
~ I enjoy watching two teams fight over who has better sportsmanship.
~ Is it a bad sign that my fortune cookie contained a typo?
~ I’m going nowhere… and much faster than anticipated.
~ Marriage means OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) turns off the passenger airbag when I ride shotgun.
~ I’m so fat and out of shape I don’t even run from my problems anymore.
~ I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll post it later.
~ I ribbon dance like everyone is watching.
~ I never check my Social Media… I take breaks from Social Media to check on my Real Life.
~ A four-hour erection is about three hours and 55 minutes more than what I need.
~ There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’…
~ “1 – 2 – 367,354,657” How every fast food ice machine dispenses ice cubes.
~ There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
~ It’s not that I don’t understand your problem… it’s just that I don’t care.
~ I’ve been thinking about putting up a sex swing in our bedroom. I need a new place to stack clothes since the treadmill is full.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor went to Vegas in a $50,000 Cadillac and came back in a $250,000 Greyhound bus.
~ I’m really good at a bunch of things that don’t pay money.
~ I just did the dishes, so OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will be redoing the dishes if anyone needs her.
~ The only Apple product that truly interests me is a fritter.
~ They say the camera adds ten pounds so I really only need to lose about four or five cameras.
~ Whenever I hear my calls may be recorded for quality assurance, I start singing. Because I never know when my big break is coming.
~ Just because I’ve lost my mind doesn’t mean I’m looking for it.
~ I’m probably extremely attractive from a very long distance.
~ I’m a bad person… but I’m ok with it.
~ I can’t be the only one that notices the irony of “Thin” Mints?
~ A boy will ask you to bare your boobies. A man will ask you to bare your soul… AND your boobies.
~ Anyone know the first lure of dyslexia club?
~ My superpower is being asked to leave most social functions involving alcohol.
~ Nothing says “classy” like a neck tattoo that says “classy.”
~ Social Media is where I can say stuff that’s none of my therapist’s business.
~ A group of toddlers is called a migraine.