~ I’m faking my way through life about as successfully as people who use fake mustaches are able to hide their true identities.
~ Over the years I’ve developed thick skin. It’s a hereditary, genetic disorder, so please don’t tease me about it.
~ Today I heard the phrase “naturally boneless chicken” … and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
~ I have one of those faces not even my mother could love.
~ I’m planning to have a couple of ribs removed so I can bend over far enough to put on my socks.
~ Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad … you don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. That’s what I do now.
~ If my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor didn’t want me pounding on his door at 3am, he shouldn’t have said that I could borrow his weed eater ANYTIME.
~ My patience needs a CTRL-ALT-DELETE moment.
~ There’s nothing I hate more than situations where I only have myself to blame.
~ I resisted the urge to do anything productive all day long. I’m exhausted.
~ For being a fairly smart guy, I sure do stupid well.
~ If you’re eading everything I post, just imagine the stupid random junk that I keep to myself.
~ I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn’t get declined.
~ So I got my CT scan results back today and everything is fine. It turns out I don’t have dementia … I’m just an asshole.
~ For those who say “Correct me if I’m wrong…” don’t seem so surprised and upset when I do.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) must have some big surprise vacation planned … she left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
~ I’m sick of the commute to my refrigerator.
~ I’d be a pilot right now if they hadn’t requested my driving history.
~ So I told my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor that he should give his kid some chores … and now he has a new designated driver.