~ I have a lot of awkward moments when I can’t decide if it’s just a bad pic or if I really look like that.
~ My dream job is being coma patient.
~ The older I get the more nervous I am about sneezing.
~ It’s funny how OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters … but the minute I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk.”
~ Procrastination is such a harsh term. I prefer to say reverse ambition.
~ Sometimes I think I could get away with murder … but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
~ You can either worry about how fast life is and about your impending death… or you can go to Dairy Queen.
~ I had a great day. Though today wasn’t it.
~ I keep a bottle of liquor in the house just for special occasions … such as “today” or “weekends.”
~ I may be old fashioned, but I still think shorts should be longer than her vagina.
~ You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
~ Until I made a sex tape, I didn’t realize how many times I say “Oops.”
~ I tested positive for being negative.
~ I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
~ Whatever, people with no kids and lots of expendable money and tons of free time and a ridiculous amount of sanity. What the hell ever.
~ Porn is so unrealistic. I just took a shower with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.
~ Hazard lights are brilliant. Judging by what I have seen, if you use them you can park your car anywhere you want.
~ I wonder how many years I have left before life is just a constant struggle to not shit my pants.