~ The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was creating yard sales and auctions so people will pay for someone else’s trash.
~ I bet even misery would hate my company.
~ I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
~ I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter and FaceBook so I can get my life back on tra — ok, I’m back!
~ My Netflix just suggested that I get the off the couch.
~ My neighbor took the potty seat out of the box and showed his son how to pee in it. I told him he probably should have paid for it first.
~ I went to a frat bar over the weekend… and I was the only one wearing a University of Phoenix letterman jacket.
~ That weird guy walking around the mall with toilet paper on his shoe today was me.
~ The fact it’s called a “funeral procession” and not a “deadline” is why I’m not the guy who names things.
~ I ate a pickle for breakfast this morning and I’d be lying if I said that’s the worst decision I made today.
~ I had a dream about the mountain climber from that Price is Right Cliffhanger game last night. I may need to watch my diet closer.
~ While hiking alone last week, my neighbor got his arm trapped by a loose boulder. Using a camping knife and a pocket mirror, he proceeded to cut off the wrong arm.
~ My neighbor is about to make the biggest mistake of his life by getting married. I’d try to talk him out of it, but there’s going to be an open bar.
~ Don’t show up to MY TRAILER… with THAT HAIRCUT… and expect me to buy your moonshine. No mullet? No sale!
~ “Colonoscopy Sweepstakes” are two words I thought I’d never hear put together. Good job CBS.
~ Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I always realize this after I’ve said them.
~ I’m pretty happy the twerking fad is fading out… WAY too many spilled drinks.
~ I fight ignorance, racism and stereotypes with karate – – just like the Asians do.
~ The only workout I want to be doing is running amok.
~ I’m not a comedian; I just choose to see the humor in most situations.
~ At my old job, my favorite part of the day was pretending to be just busy enough to get out of doing anything.
~ I carry a laminated index card with the words “WARNING: LOW INTEREST” for when people try to talk to me.
~ Why don’t we use the word conniption anymore? OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had one today, and it got me thinking… we really need to bring back the classics.
~ When life gives you lemons, shame on you. Fool me twice, eat fish for a lifetime. Or something…
~ You would think that my barber would be used to trimming around the tiara by now.
~ Accidentally texted my neighbor “have a hood day” and so he shot three people.
~ You can fit 358 cartons of Camel cigarettes in the trunk of a Pontiac Firebird according to my grandmother’s Facebook page.
~ Ask your local sailor if starboard is right for you.
~ If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, that’s my uncle Gary… he just got out of rehab.
~ I find it weird that coward doesn’t mean “toward a cow.”
~ It sucks that every time I start to really open up to someone they tell me to “Please pull forward to the next window.”
~ The worse your memory, the better you’ll feel about yourself.
~ Sometimes being lost is precisely where OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) wishes I was…
~ If you don’t make her roll her eyes and regret marrying you at least once per day, you’re doing it wrong. Or I am. Whatever.
~ If you don’t find yourself with every reason in the world to be mad, it could be because you haven’t met me yet.