~ You can imagine my disappointment when an email with the subject line “inflatable amusements” turned out to be about kid’s toys.
~ Even when I know what I did wrong, I still just do it that way again anyway.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has considered replacing me with YouTube how-to videos.
~ I nearly bought the “whole grain” Ritz crackers today. Be careful out there!
~ I gave my personal trainer 1/5 stars because he wanted me to move around. A lot. Would not recommend.
~ You can be anything you want to be. That’s how delusions work.
~ NOTE: Eggs come out of the carton left to right … NOT all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
~ Things were looking pretty bleak today … until I remembered that I can buy an ice cream cake whenever I want.
~ My high school guidance counselor never told me how much of my adult life would be spent looking for the correct Tupperware lid.
~ I looked up on WebMD about my right toe being numb today. It appears I have prostate cancer.
~ I’ve been thinking of starting a petition to rename the month after “March” to “Stop Marching.”
~ I don’t think of it as lying as much as telling a pretend truth.
~ When I was 8, there was no cash for summer camp so I was sent to an orphanage. Luckily I was still there in September when they came back to get me.
~ I mailed off $29.95 for a NEW AMAZING MIRACLE DIET that I saw advertised. I received a piece of paper with this typed on it: Don’t eat near as much as you do right now.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
~ Look, if it makes you feel any better … I’m disappointed in me, too.
~ The amount of time I spend cleaning the house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
~ It’s 2019 and I’m watching someone write a check at The Wal*Marts. This is why we can’t have nice things.
~ I think Hallmark needs a “Sorry I look like this naked” sympathy card.