~ Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
~ My neighbor put a sign on his boat that said “For Sale” so I added an “ing” to the end. He’s lucky I came along.
~ Nobody wastes an entire day like I do. Nobody.
~ I was typing a GREAT tweet today when some jerk bounced off my windshield and made me lose my train of thought.
~ I saw a SmartCar with a tow hitch today and laughed so hard I vomited.
~ We’re so politically correct these days that my “white trash” neighbors now want to be called “Caucasian-American debris.”
~ Sometimes when I can’t figure out what to eat for dinner I just eat everything.
~ Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it today. That’s about as organic you’re gonna get out of me.
~ If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it then how bad of a decision can it really be?
~ For a person this size, I’m surprisingly agile when it comes to avoiding responsibility.
~ My neighbor isn’t very religious, but he does go to Church’s Chicken every Sunday.
~ I learn all my new dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
~ I knew OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was ‘the one’ when she looked in my eyes the first time we met and screamed, “I AM THE ONE!!”
~ I’m starting my diet and training tomorrow; I hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep tonight.
~ Whenever OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says “Hey guess what!” I always try to have my super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
~ If at first you don’t succeed, then welcome to life. Get used to disappointment.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tried to return her broken dishwasher to Lowes yesterday… but they said they didn’t want me either.
~ Our house is covered in so much cat hair that my feet make their own socks now.
~ Not quite four hours… three hours and forty-two minutes. I thought I was going to have to call the doctor.
~ I watched the trailerhood kids playing hide and seek today and the neighbor’s kid hid behind a chain link fence. I’m thinking they at least won’t have to save for college.
~ When someone tells me something is on the mezzanine, I just go home rather than try and work out what that is.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t seem to fully appreciate that my unhealthy lifestyle will only help her get rid of me faster.
~ I thought I saw my life flash in front of my eyes today, but it was just the flashlight app on my phone.
~ Ever get the urge to sneeze and then realize that life has no meaning?
~ If I could offer one tidbit to graduates this year, it’s the importance of perserverance… wait. Persever… uh… peser… never mind, I give up.
~ I AM SICK AND TIRED OF NOT BEING TREATED LIKE A SEX OBJECT!
~ I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it’s my default setting.
~ Has anyone ever been to a mattress store that isn’t having the biggest sale of the year?
~ I’m at the age where my “Going out clothes” just means “Not my pajamas.” And sometimes I even forget that part…
~ Today in Wal*Mart I heard a young white kid tell his mom “I hate you and you annoy me, stupid.” Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it…
~ I’m about to release my sex tape. Well technically, it’s my neighbor’s sex tape, but I was the one in the bushes filming it.
~ My therapist reads my Blog… so his therapist gave him a prescription for Xanax.
~ After watching the TrailerHood T-Ball practice today, I’m pretty sure I could totally dominate the league.
An intervention… but for my wardrobe.
~ I drool way too much for a grown up.
~ My neighbor’s boy got his degree in philosophy. Now he asks his customers WHY they want fries with that.