~ Dignity… it’s not for everyone.
~ I just sort of want to go to prison so I can lose some weight and finally get into shape.
~ You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
~ If by raw food you mean cookie dough, then yes, I love raw food.
~ I immediately discard any recipe that includes the word ‘meanwhile’.
~ My addiction to randomly replacing words with names of board games is tearing our Candy Land apart.
~ Most fridges come with a vegetable crisper… ours came with what I like to call the cold garbage can.
~ Sometimes, I question my sanity. Sometimes, it replies.
~ Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer.”
~ Instagram = a whole new way to humiliate myself.
~ You know you live in a great country when Wal*Mart devotes one whole aisle of the grocery store to foods that you can spread on other foods.
~ Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is what separates the men from the boys.
~ That one time I won at laser tag doesn’t seem as important today as it did then.
~ I don’t care who you are… if you are smaller, weaker, slower or less intelligent than me, I will not be intimidated by you.
~Lucky charms should be 98% marshmallows and 2% of that other crap.
~ Yesterday I went the whole day without carbs… so I had a loaf of bread for dinner.
~ I have sexdaily. I mean, dyslexia!! MADN IT!
~ To be good at Social Media, you have to master your word play… like how a fisherman masters bait.
~ You’re not me unless you’ve worn your pants on inside out and went to Wal*Mart…
~ It always find it amusing when the cashier asks me if I want hash browns or fresh fruit.
~ I can’t be responsible for the chaos that will ensue if you leave me unattended.
~ Age doesn’t define respect.
~ I pay attention more when something goes on sale.
~ After every visit to Wal*Mart, I’m always glad my eyes can’t puke.
~ Where exactly are you from? Because I’m picking up a Wal*Mart accent.
~ Am I a terrible friend if I constantly have to double check to make sure I’m not sending the mean text to the friend I’m talking about?
~ Things I am terrible at are just dumb anyway… obviously.
~ After stopping by Wal*Mart yesterday, I think there really should be such a thing as a bad eyebrow intervention.
~ I let OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “believe” she’s in charge by doing everything she says and deferring to her in all marital decisions.
~ I’m almost at the age and weight where it takes two tries to get out of a chair.
~ They don’t make trophies for the kinds of things I do… but they should.
~ I’m pretty much the standard factory default ringtone of people.
~ Why do we only say people are hard of hearing? I myself could be called hard of seeing, hard of dieting and hard of getting off the couch.
~ It’s the people that actually keep gloves in the glove box of their car that I actually worry about.
~ I’ve easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages.
~ If I ignore my problems for long enough they become pretty funny Social Media posts.
~ Piñatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
~ Something you’ll never hear me be accused of is reading someone’s Dream Journal.
~ I’m sorry, I just don’t believe you, people with canes.
~ I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I do make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.