~ I get a ton of exercise pushing my luck.
~ There’s never enough time to do all the nothing I want.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says I shouldn’t walk around the yard naked because our neighbors might think she married me for money.
~ I probably say “You gonna eat that” more than I should.
~ I can tell Summer is here… I saw a girl at Wal*Mart yesterday that had actually shaved her legs.
~ “I don’t care if a cup is half full or a cup is half empty… as long as it’s on a coaster.” ~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)
~ “I’d rather be sober” would be a great bumper sticker around here.
~ If you’re wearing an eye patch I have at least twenty questions for you, right off the bat.
~ I have a friend that used to be in charge of making sure that Air Force One landed safely and I just ate cereal with a fork.
~ I’m never not sarcastic. There’s just little bursts of being less sarcastic.
~ I simultaneously ate a biscuit AND cornbread last night at dinner, in case you doubted I was Southern.
~ My favorite thing about sunglasses is that they cover up all the black eyes OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gives me. In her defense, I’m very mouthy.
~ We all went to school with a kid who had a mustache & chest hair by the fifth grade. In my school her name was Peggy.
~ I have too many friends who don’t like me as much as they should.
~ I’m not saying our new Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is a gold digger, but she’ll put on a little lipstick and a low cut blouse for some Kohl’s cash.
~ I want to be the reason the police have to search your home for clues.
~ So if you all decide to not go to work on Monday, not much the government can do. Just sayin’…
~ The worst part about having a hole in my sock is that I just don’t care.
~ I can’t feel my mouth; but that family sized bag of salt and vinegar chips was delicious.
~ Never forget that you can be easily replaced by someone who does it better than you.
~ I don’t always screw things up, but when I do, it’s memorable.
~ What do you call the shift when you work in a graveyard during the day?
~ Whatever you do, don’t be that guy that stands facing everyone in an elevator… because that’s MY job.
~ Making a throat slicing motion at neighborhood kids is kinda my thing.
~ The whitest way to die is by having an allergic reaction to organic peanut butter you purchased at a farmer’s market.
~ A neighbor friend of mine just started wearing homemade deodorant. In other related news… I’m down a friend.
~ My life is a delicate choreography of elegant ballet and the chicken dance.
~ I hate when I don’t have any dirty clothes to wear to Wal*Mart.
~ Looking back, I think the new owners of our local ceiling fan store now realize that releasing those doves at the grand opening was a bad idea.
~ “Heart healthy” on food packaging loosely translates to “tastes like cardboard.”
~ You don’t know poor until you’ve had to decide between Tums or Flintstones chewables as a snack.
~ The only flirting I do is with disaster.
~ I’ve learned that Calzone is Italian for “stretch marks.”
~ Naked and Afraid is the name of a show on the Discovery channel, and it’s also how I wake up most mornings.
~ If you put ‘diet’ at the end, you can eat anything you want. Take my nachos diet for instance.
~ One of my biggest fears is that the toilet seat will already be warm when I sit on it.
~ If you give me a coupon for a free salad it’s like you just gave me a blank piece of paper.
~ I’m not trying to get fat. Getting fat is my destiny.
~ There was a lady in Wal*Mart yesterday that stared at me like she’d never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
~ I heard a black dude say “cool beans” today and I don’t know what to think anymore.