jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 7-14-2014

~ I get a ton of exercise pushing my luck.

~ There’s never enough time to do all the nothing I want.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says I shouldn’t walk around the yard naked because our neighbors might think she married me for money.

~ I probably say “You gonna eat that” more than I should.

~ I can tell Summer is here… I saw a girl at Wal*Mart yesterday that had actually shaved her legs.

~ “I don’t care if a cup is half full or a cup is half empty… as long as it’s on a coaster.” ~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)

~ “I’d rather be sober” would be a great bumper sticker around here.

~ If you’re wearing an eye patch I have at least twenty questions for you, right off the bat.

~ I have a friend that used to be in charge of making sure that Air Force One landed safely and I just ate cereal with a fork.

~ I’m never not sarcastic. There’s just little bursts of being less sarcastic.

~ I simultaneously ate a biscuit AND cornbread last night at dinner, in case you doubted I was Southern.

~ My favorite thing about sunglasses is that they cover up all the black eyes OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gives me. In her defense, I’m very mouthy.

~ We all went to school with a kid who had a mustache & chest hair by the fifth grade. In my school her name was Peggy.

~ I have too many friends who don’t like me as much as they should.

~ I’m not saying our new Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is a gold digger, but she’ll put on a little lipstick and a low cut blouse for some Kohl’s cash.

~ I want to be the reason the police have to search your home for clues.

~ So if you all decide to not go to work on Monday, not much the government can do. Just sayin’…

~ The worst part about having a hole in my sock is that I just don’t care.

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~ I can’t feel my mouth; but that family sized bag of salt and vinegar chips was delicious.

~ Never forget that you can be easily replaced by someone who does it better than you.

~ I don’t always screw things up, but when I do, it’s memorable.

~ What do you call the shift when you work in a graveyard during the day?

~ Whatever you do, don’t be that guy that stands facing everyone in an elevator… because that’s MY job.

~ Making a throat slicing motion at neighborhood kids is kinda my thing.

~ The whitest way to die is by having an allergic reaction to organic peanut butter you purchased at a farmer’s market.

~ A neighbor friend of mine just started wearing homemade deodorant. In other related news… I’m down a friend.

~ My life is a delicate choreography of elegant ballet and the chicken dance.

~ I hate when I don’t have any dirty clothes to wear to Wal*Mart.

~ Looking back, I think the new owners of our local ceiling fan store now realize that releasing those doves at the grand opening was a bad idea.

~ “Heart healthy” on food packaging loosely translates to “tastes like cardboard.”

~ You don’t know poor until you’ve had to decide between Tums or Flintstones chewables as a snack.

~ The only flirting I do is with disaster.

~ I’ve learned that Calzone is Italian for “stretch marks.”

~ Naked and Afraid is the name of a show on the Discovery channel, and it’s also how I wake up most mornings.

~ If you put ‘diet’ at the end, you can eat anything you want. Take my nachos diet for instance.

~ One of my biggest fears is that the toilet seat will already be warm when I sit on it.

~ If you give me a coupon for a free salad it’s like you just gave me a blank piece of paper.

~ I’m not trying to get fat. Getting fat is my destiny.

~ There was a lady in Wal*Mart yesterday that stared at me like she’d never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

~ I heard a black dude say “cool beans” today and I don’t know what to think anymore.

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