jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 7-11-2016

~ What rhymes with disappointment? I’m trying to write a poem about my life.

~ Drugs don’t kill people… people who run out of drugs kill people.

~ I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.

~ Nothing says “My Louis Vuitton purse is fake” like waiting for the bus.

MTM1NjI2OTc0OTUyNDg0ODM0

~ My near death experience was basically just me telling OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) she was being irrational.

~ I always cry at weddings … but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) STILL thinks a macadamia nut is an STD.

~ I’m so broke, I’m having to overthink purchases at the Dollar Store.

dollar-stores

~ I once dated a girl that everyone said was stunning. If they didn’t, she tazed them.

~ Had I been required to get a learners permit, I probably wouldn’t have gotten a marriage license.

~ I recall parenting as being like a juggler … except all the balls are screaming.

~ Taking me to Bed Bath and Beyond is a mistake you’ll only make once.

~ Damn … woke up poor again.

~ People that like Fig Newtons, tapioca pudding, and fruitcake are the reason manufacturers write “Do Not Eat” on dry silica packets.

silica-gel-packet

~ If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

~ If it can’t be fixed with a butter knife, I’m out.

~ I am like if wet bread were a person

~ I’m about as awkward as you can get without having a disability.

~ I once left one of my “interventions” so I didn’t miss Happy Hour.

Happy hour stamp

Happy hour stamp

~ Only one more sleep until I wake up hating life again.

~ In Wal*Mart, I always get stuck behind the old lady writing a check. WRITING. A. CHECK!

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