~ What rhymes with disappointment? I’m trying to write a poem about my life.
~ Drugs don’t kill people… people who run out of drugs kill people.
~ I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.
~ Nothing says “My Louis Vuitton purse is fake” like waiting for the bus.
~ My near death experience was basically just me telling OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) she was being irrational.
~ I always cry at weddings … but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) STILL thinks a macadamia nut is an STD.
~ I’m so broke, I’m having to overthink purchases at the Dollar Store.
~ I once dated a girl that everyone said was stunning. If they didn’t, she tazed them.
~ Had I been required to get a learners permit, I probably wouldn’t have gotten a marriage license.
~ I recall parenting as being like a juggler … except all the balls are screaming.
~ Taking me to Bed Bath and Beyond is a mistake you’ll only make once.
~ Damn … woke up poor again.
~ People that like Fig Newtons, tapioca pudding, and fruitcake are the reason manufacturers write “Do Not Eat” on dry silica packets.
~ If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
~ If it can’t be fixed with a butter knife, I’m out.
~ I am like if wet bread were a person
~ I’m about as awkward as you can get without having a disability.
~ I once left one of my “interventions” so I didn’t miss Happy Hour.
~ Only one more sleep until I wake up hating life again.
~ In Wal*Mart, I always get stuck behind the old lady writing a check. WRITING. A. CHECK!