~ I wish my bathtub had a swim up bar.
~ Forget the Cheetah. The fastest land animal is an angry woman texting.
~ I feel like a fast learner until I’m trying to use a hotel shower.
~ I’m starting a sarcasm club. And it would mean the world to me if you joined.
~ I’ve started answering our phone “Hello, you’re on the air” and 99% of the time they just hang up.
~ I was going to make something delicious for dinner, but my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbors don’t have all of the ingredients I need. I wish they would go shopping.
~ Received my semi-annual performance evaluation this morning and I’ll tell ya… OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) holds no punches.
~ I’ve learned no one will mess with you if you just walk around shouting the alphabet.
~ Frankly auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.
~ I nearly got run over by a Prius this morning. They should have to put a card in the spokes like we used to do with bicycles when we were kids.
~ I have no idea what swag is. But I’m fairly certain that what I have is the polar opposite of whatever it is.
~ Never underestimate a person’s ability to waste your time.
~ As I get older, I find the list of things I dislike is getting longer. Recently I added “people” and “stuff.”
~ You know what betrayal is? Being invited over to someone’s house for dinner and they serve vegetarian tacos.
~ Our Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s pregnancy test confirmed her worst fear… she’s just fat.
~ I get more use out of my college hoodie than my actual degree.
~ I’d like to see your selfie but on a “Have you seen me?” poster.
~ It’s amazing how numbers tend to define us throughout life… from our GPAs, to SAT scores, our weight, our 1st degree murder convictions, grades. These things are not who I am.
~ Nothing is louder than a bag of Doritos when you are trying to eat them quietly.
~ Not everyone around you is your friend.
~ Without the seven deadly sins I would have no resume to speak of.
~ It is never too late to make things right.
~ Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don’t sell reverse mortgages to the elderly and I feel better.
~ How do I always end up behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life?
~ One day I‘m the best thing since sliced bread. The next day, I’m toast.
~ Women only call me ugly until they find out my net worth… then they call me poor and ugly.
~ The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club… is don’t talk about Chess Club.
~ If life gives you melons, you may be Dyslexic.
~ I bought some new dishtowels today… because I’m worth it.
~ The silent treatment sounds like the best gift ever.
~ One of my all-time favorite things is seeing obese people at grocery stores, riding in motorized shopping carts, and buying diet soda.
~ Life isn’t a fairytale… it’s a fill-in-the-blank, choose your own adventure, scratch and sniff, coloring book with missing pages and pop-ups.
~ Mick Jagger is 70? You know what… go ahead and do drugs kids. Screw it.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is mad at me, she has a scale of “it’s ok, do whatever you want” to “ok, have fun” … and normally I don’t do either.
~ That moment when your wife realizes that you are right and she’s wrong… I will never know that feeling according to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).
~ I’m over 50 years old and I still have no idea how girls make hats out of towels after they get out of the shower.
~ There’s no better feeling in life than when the windshield wipers match the beat.