jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 6-9-2014

~ The word “Diaper” spelled backwards is “Repaid?” Coincidence? I think not…

~ I’m starting to think that our TupperWare Lids and single socks are chillin’ somewhere just laughing at us.

~ If thought bubbles actually appeared above my head… I’d be REALLY screwed.

~ The biggest workout I get is keeping a straight face and not rolling my eyes as you tell me about your workout at the gym.

~ My neighbor’s truck broke down in front of Pizza Hut last night. So he ordered a pizza to be delivered to his house and caught a ride with the delivery guy.

~ When I hear a story that ends in, “You had to be there” … I’m usually thinking, “I’m glad I wasn’t.”

~ I no longer take a grocery list to the store. Now I just write myself a note that says “GET OUT OF THE COOKIE AISLE YOU TUB-O-LARD!”

~ Not trying to brag, but once we polish off this tub of margarine, our White Trash TupperWare set will be complete.

~ That which doesn’t kill you… makes me rethink my strategy.

~ I never water myself down for someone who can’t handle me at 100% proof.

~ I don’t know about you, but I’m probably supposed to be doing something else right now.

~ Some people have mood swings. I have a mood theme park.

~ Just a heads up… if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, then you need professional help.

~ I like to think I will die a heroic death… but it highly more likely I’ll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

~ You don’t have to raise your voice. Just improve your argument.

~ I always do a Happy Dance in my head when I realize I’m the bad influence folks are talking about.

~ I ate an entire box of Slim Fast bars today. I’m really looking forward to how skinny I’ll be when I wake up in the morning.

~ I run like the winded.

~ I wonder how many people actually think “What the… ??” after talking to me?

~ I don’t believe in revenge. But repaying the favor? Oh yeah… I believe in that.

~ Figured out today that I’m so in debt I could start a Government.

~ “This will not end well” is normally my first conscious thought every morning.

~ If we ever actually had a fire in this house, I’d probably ignore the fire alarm and sit down at the dinner table.


~ I love how clean and fresh our bathroom smells after OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) kills a spider with an entire bottle of Windex.

~ Tact is for people who aren’t smart enough to be sarcastic.

~ I wish there was a more masculine way to put on chapstick, like maybe with a gun or something.

~ Been waiting for a table at IHOP for the past half hour and just realized I’m at the DMV.

~ I’m a driver, but my real passion is gluing hats on stray cats.

~ Ate a bowl of generic frosted flakes… they werrrrrrrrrrre alright, I guess.

~ According to my fitness tracker, I’ve burned 400 calories and 3 bridges today.

~ Most of my life is spent just moving from one cushioned surface to another.

~ In Hell clueless people explain your posts to you.

~ It’s called Wal*Mart because the Center for Disease Control was already taken.

~ I heard a lady at Wal*Mart say, “When in doubt, get a pizza.” I don’t know who the woman is, but she’s my new life coach.

~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) to embrace her mistakes. She cried… and then she hugged me.

~ I threw away two plates last night because the dishwasher was full.

~ Sorry, but I’ve already met my quota on dealing with people today. Come back tomorrow so I can ignore you then.

~ I’m not saying I’m fat, but a picture of me could afford to lose a few hundred words.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just left me a voicemail to make sure I saw her text about reading her email.

~ If you put clothes on your pets I’m going to assume you are off your meds.

~ If you’re as lazy as I am, the dishwasher just becomes another cabinet.

~ I’m glad my middle finger always sticks up for me.

~ I’m continually surprised at how much crazy can fit into one person.

~ What was I like in high school? You know that cool guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? Well I was the guy in the band.

~ I personally like to believe the shooter was really going for Yoko and John took the bullet out of desperation…

~ I’ve never tried meth, but I have been using Carmex since 7th grade and can’t quit.

~ My most often misspelled word: ThOm

~ You say ‘retarded’ like I’m supposed to know what that means.

~ Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid stuff should be fired.

~ You have to remember one thing about the will of the people; it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

~ If you can run on the elliptical and drink out of a normal water bottle without spilling it everywhere, you can’t be trusted.

~ In hell you’re eternally on the verge of a massive sneeze that never comes.

~ Isn’t it weird that great is better than good, but not good is worse than not great?

~ I bet a demon would do really well as an attorney because, you know, possession is nine-tenths of the law.

~ “Damnit!” – Swamp People producers every time a cast member doesn’t get mauled by a gator.

~ My neighbor went into Wal-Mart to get a few things and he came out with a mullet and an anti-Obama bumper sticker.