~ The word “Diaper” spelled backwards is “Repaid?” Coincidence? I think not…
~ I’m starting to think that our TupperWare Lids and single socks are chillin’ somewhere just laughing at us.
~ If thought bubbles actually appeared above my head… I’d be REALLY screwed.
~ The biggest workout I get is keeping a straight face and not rolling my eyes as you tell me about your workout at the gym.
~ My neighbor’s truck broke down in front of Pizza Hut last night. So he ordered a pizza to be delivered to his house and caught a ride with the delivery guy.
~ When I hear a story that ends in, “You had to be there” … I’m usually thinking, “I’m glad I wasn’t.”
~ I no longer take a grocery list to the store. Now I just write myself a note that says “GET OUT OF THE COOKIE AISLE YOU TUB-O-LARD!”
~ Not trying to brag, but once we polish off this tub of margarine, our White Trash TupperWare set will be complete.
~ That which doesn’t kill you… makes me rethink my strategy.
~ I never water myself down for someone who can’t handle me at 100% proof.
~ I don’t know about you, but I’m probably supposed to be doing something else right now.
~ Some people have mood swings. I have a mood theme park.
~ Just a heads up… if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, then you need professional help.
~ I like to think I will die a heroic death… but it highly more likely I’ll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
~ You don’t have to raise your voice. Just improve your argument.
~ I always do a Happy Dance in my head when I realize I’m the bad influence folks are talking about.
~ I ate an entire box of Slim Fast bars today. I’m really looking forward to how skinny I’ll be when I wake up in the morning.
~ I run like the winded.
~ I wonder how many people actually think “What the… ??” after talking to me?
~ I don’t believe in revenge. But repaying the favor? Oh yeah… I believe in that.
~ Figured out today that I’m so in debt I could start a Government.
~ “This will not end well” is normally my first conscious thought every morning.
~ If we ever actually had a fire in this house, I’d probably ignore the fire alarm and sit down at the dinner table.
~ I love how clean and fresh our bathroom smells after OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) kills a spider with an entire bottle of Windex.
~ Tact is for people who aren’t smart enough to be sarcastic.
~ I wish there was a more masculine way to put on chapstick, like maybe with a gun or something.
~ Been waiting for a table at IHOP for the past half hour and just realized I’m at the DMV.
~ I’m a driver, but my real passion is gluing hats on stray cats.
~ Ate a bowl of generic frosted flakes… they werrrrrrrrrrre alright, I guess.
~ According to my fitness tracker, I’ve burned 400 calories and 3 bridges today.
~ Most of my life is spent just moving from one cushioned surface to another.
~ In Hell clueless people explain your posts to you.
~ It’s called Wal*Mart because the Center for Disease Control was already taken.
~ I heard a lady at Wal*Mart say, “When in doubt, get a pizza.” I don’t know who the woman is, but she’s my new life coach.
~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) to embrace her mistakes. She cried… and then she hugged me.
~ I threw away two plates last night because the dishwasher was full.
~ Sorry, but I’ve already met my quota on dealing with people today. Come back tomorrow so I can ignore you then.
~ I’m not saying I’m fat, but a picture of me could afford to lose a few hundred words.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just left me a voicemail to make sure I saw her text about reading her email.
~ If you put clothes on your pets I’m going to assume you are off your meds.
~ If you’re as lazy as I am, the dishwasher just becomes another cabinet.
~ I’m glad my middle finger always sticks up for me.
~ I’m continually surprised at how much crazy can fit into one person.
~ What was I like in high school? You know that cool guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? Well I was the guy in the band.
~ I personally like to believe the shooter was really going for Yoko and John took the bullet out of desperation…
~ I’ve never tried meth, but I have been using Carmex since 7th grade and can’t quit.
~ My most often misspelled word: ThOm
~ You say ‘retarded’ like I’m supposed to know what that means.
~ Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid stuff should be fired.
~ You have to remember one thing about the will of the people; it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
~ If you can run on the elliptical and drink out of a normal water bottle without spilling it everywhere, you can’t be trusted.
~ In hell you’re eternally on the verge of a massive sneeze that never comes.
~ Isn’t it weird that great is better than good, but not good is worse than not great?
~ I bet a demon would do really well as an attorney because, you know, possession is nine-tenths of the law.
~ “Damnit!” – Swamp People producers every time a cast member doesn’t get mauled by a gator.
~ My neighbor went into Wal-Mart to get a few things and he came out with a mullet and an anti-Obama bumper sticker.