~ It’s really not my problem if you’re not clever enough to get my sarcasm.
~ I whispered “OMG get a room” at least five times while at Wal*Mart today… and they were all directed at that one creepy lady testing the vegetables.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is the stable in my mentally unstable.
~ Ladies… if you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.
~ I love moments that remind me I’ve made the correct decision.
~ I wonder if I can go a whole day without saying something inappropriate. Yeah… I doubt it, too.
~ I’m actually really, really attractive… a hunk even… if you close your eyes.
~ I’m pretty sure by now “tired” is just part of my personality description.
~ Girls never fell head over heels for me. It was always more of a stop, drop, and roll.
~ On the great keyboard of life, I always keep one finger on the Escape key.
~ Nobody can out mediocre me.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to test our marriage by typing, “Oops, wrong person” after a sext.
~ “Freelance” is a fancy word that people with Bachelor degrees use to tell other people that they’re unemployed.
~ No matter what you’re going through, you can always count on me to make things worse.
~ This single-wide is on lockdown until we find out who bought the sugarless popsicles.
~ I’m literally my own best friend. I have inside jokes with myself, and sometimes I’ll start laughing out loud at how funny I am.
~ I still laugh at the word “Manhole” even though I fell thru one years ago. Life-Lesson: Don’t allow personal experiences to ruin hilarious words and stuff.
~ My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees.”
~ According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8 eight.
~ A threesome sounds kinda sleazy… I’ve always called call it a baker’s couple.
~ I’m sure glad that the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary.
~ The more I eat the skinnier I used to be.
~ The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single one of them.
~ I sometimes get the urge to tell people to shut up even when they aren’t talking.
~ My favorite house cleaning tip: Move.
~ Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
~ The woman in the trailer next door yelled so loud at her husband that even I stopped drinking and went to bed.
~ I hate all drivers who drive faster or slower than me.
~ You know that feeling in the morning, when you are all pumped up and ready to take on the world? I’ve never had it.
~ I got up to level 6 at doing nothing yesterday.
~ If really good-looking people are “eye candy,” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
~ Sometimes I forget I’m not a celebrity and no one cares what I wear to Wal*Mart.
~ If you had a dollar for every time my opinion mattered, you’d be broke.
~ Male or female, no one messes with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
~ I’m contemplating starting a Special Forces Unit whose sole mission is to retrieve your stuff from your ex’s house.
~ How do you know if Stephen Hawking answers his phone or if it’s just an answering machine?
~ Sorry, but just laying there is not a “position.”
~ I just read some positive feedbacks from 2006 on my eBay account and I now feel much better about life prospects and everything in general.
~ Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.