jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 6-30-2014

~ I hope the World Cup doesn’t preempt the Macy”s Parade in 5 months…

~ I bet mediocre minds think alike too.

~ My secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the local Wal*Mart 3 times a day.

~ With a 15-minute makeover, my neighbor could go from trashy to recycle-binny.

~ The serving size on Fig Newtons is two. So I took that to mean two rows.

~ My superpower is turning off the part of my brain that thinks scarfing 15 peanut butter cups at once is a bad idea.

~ My body type can best be described as “unfortunate.”

~ They have never come right out and said I’m crazy; but they have documented me for science.

~ The truth is, I really don’t hate anyone. Unless I’m driving.

~ According to people who make car air fresheners, the difference between ‘jasmine’ and ‘ass’ is nearly identical.

~ You’d think, for someone who showers pretty often, remembering to bring a towel would be second nature by now… Yet here we are.

~ Organic dog food is just another reason to hate white people.

~ If only common sense was contagious.

~ We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings… like “I’m bored so let’s go brush your teeth.”

~ The next time you’re having a bad day, just remember there are stupid people making more money than you. You’re welcome.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) thinks she knows everything yet she never even gets one lottery number right.

~ It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

~ Ever noticed how everyone but you is always wrong?

~ Just when you THINK all hope is lost, I’ll be there, to remind you all hope IS lost.

~ I’ve been married for about 85 lbs.


~ I don’t believe everything I think.

~ I just realized that I’ve experienced many blows to my head throughout the course of life and now it all makes sense.

~ If I was a Care Bear I’d be Barely Cares Bear.

~ Using a crockpot is the closest I’ll ever come to knowing what lies ahead for me in the future.

~ With some people, the only way to win is to refuse to play.

~ I exercise on a regular basis. Wait… does running out of patience count as exercise?

~ My favorite machine at the gym is the television.

~ Stupidity is like art; anyone can do it, but only we gifted are masters at it.

~ Fake people will eventually expose themselves… you don’t have to do a thing.

~ So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

~ My mouth and my brain frequently play a game of “No, you go first.”

~ I would organize my thoughts, but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

~ I’ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 9 years.

~ I know some people were dropped on their heads as kids.. but I swear some of my neighbors were dribbled.

~ If I came with a warning sign it would probably be… Run.

~ I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the first guy who spelled the word Colonel was illiterate.

~ My perception of reality may not actually be reality.

~ Tweets are funnier when they’re read back to you in court.

~ My neighbor needs to stop downloading so much stuff. His internet connection is so slow.