~ I hope the World Cup doesn’t preempt the Macy”s Parade in 5 months…
~ I bet mediocre minds think alike too.
~ My secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the local Wal*Mart 3 times a day.
~ With a 15-minute makeover, my neighbor could go from trashy to recycle-binny.
~ The serving size on Fig Newtons is two. So I took that to mean two rows.
~ My superpower is turning off the part of my brain that thinks scarfing 15 peanut butter cups at once is a bad idea.
~ My body type can best be described as “unfortunate.”
~ They have never come right out and said I’m crazy; but they have documented me for science.
~ The truth is, I really don’t hate anyone. Unless I’m driving.
~ According to people who make car air fresheners, the difference between ‘jasmine’ and ‘ass’ is nearly identical.
~ You’d think, for someone who showers pretty often, remembering to bring a towel would be second nature by now… Yet here we are.
~ Organic dog food is just another reason to hate white people.
~ If only common sense was contagious.
~ We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings… like “I’m bored so let’s go brush your teeth.”
~ The next time you’re having a bad day, just remember there are stupid people making more money than you. You’re welcome.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) thinks she knows everything yet she never even gets one lottery number right.
~ It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
~ Ever noticed how everyone but you is always wrong?
~ Just when you THINK all hope is lost, I’ll be there, to remind you all hope IS lost.
~ I’ve been married for about 85 lbs.
~ I don’t believe everything I think.
~ I just realized that I’ve experienced many blows to my head throughout the course of life and now it all makes sense.
~ If I was a Care Bear I’d be Barely Cares Bear.
~ Using a crockpot is the closest I’ll ever come to knowing what lies ahead for me in the future.
~ With some people, the only way to win is to refuse to play.
~ I exercise on a regular basis. Wait… does running out of patience count as exercise?
~ My favorite machine at the gym is the television.
~ Stupidity is like art; anyone can do it, but only we gifted are masters at it.
~ Fake people will eventually expose themselves… you don’t have to do a thing.
~ So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
~ My mouth and my brain frequently play a game of “No, you go first.”
~ I would organize my thoughts, but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
~ I’ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 9 years.
~ I know some people were dropped on their heads as kids.. but I swear some of my neighbors were dribbled.
~ If I came with a warning sign it would probably be… Run.
~ I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the first guy who spelled the word Colonel was illiterate.
~ My perception of reality may not actually be reality.
~ Tweets are funnier when they’re read back to you in court.
~ My neighbor needs to stop downloading so much stuff. His internet connection is so slow.