~ If I learned anything chaperoning middle school field trips, it’s that 6th graders really like to fart. A lot.
~ There’s no silence worse than the silence of a friend… especially if you need to know whether he’s going to lend you the $100 bucks or not!
~ If armpit farting was an Olympic sport, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) would undoubtedly bring home the gold.
~ It’s amazing how great a singer I am until someone in the car beside me at the light makes eye contact with me.
~ Once you cross that line, it becomes a line you can’t uncross.
~ Someone in the “mental health” field viewed my profile on LinkedIn? I guess word is leaking out.
~ I like that my neighbor hates me for no reason. I love waving at her. Hey girl…
~ Forget Disney World. Xanaxland is the best-kept secret.
~ Are there any crimes that just guarantee you house arrest?
~ I met Kid Rock at Denny’s one night and he was totally cool. He didn’t even charge me for my fries.
~ I’ll ask a car dealer to get into the trunk of a car that I’m looking at buying.
~ I’ve been playing Twitter for almost 3 years now and still haven’t passed the first level.
~ Looking back, changing all my passwords at 2:00 am was not the most brilliant of ideas.
~ Healthy is slowest possible rate at which you can die.
~ I bet dunking a basketball feels about the same as getting your straw in a Capri Sun on the first try.
~ I am, basically, the bargain bin of people.
~ I have put on so much weight I think I could sweat underwater.
~ What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Uhhhh… asking for a friend.
~ I’m an excellent judge of character… and I’m telling you, I’m a butthead.
~ Please stop talking. I’m trying to avoid a stint in prison.
~ I weigh the same as a 210-pound bowl of salad.
~ I saw a 400-pound man in a Smart Car convertible today. It looked like he was wearing metal shorts.
~ I made a telemarketer hang up on me today… she clearly wasn’t ready for a burp contest.
~ I’m allergic to stupidity. It causes me to break out in sarcasm.
~ So it turns out I’m not much of an afternoon person, either.
~ It’s important to remember; a man with a goatee is not the same as a goat with a manatee.
~ No matter how sad the tune, no one appreciates you whistling at a funeral.
~ My first aid kit is just a roll of duct tape and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
~ Our mailman freaked out today when he accidentally saw me naked. But then again, so did all the other people at the post office.
~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) I couldn’t wait to cash out my 401k. She told me she couldn’t wait to cash out my life insurance policy.
~ I am someone who falls down while trying to get up from falling down.
~ There is no law against buying yourself a birthday cake every weekend.
~ If I had to choose one song to describe my whole existence, I’d probably choose that Oscar Mayer Weiner one.
~ I saw a lady at Wal*Mart today and her sweatpants said “unlimited breadsticks” across the butt.
~ Every time I move around, I get a mental picture of Bill Cosby talking all excited jibber jabber about my jiggly tummy.
~ The biggest threat to marriage isn’t gay marriage; it’s paint swatches.
~ I’ve snuck a Little Debbie or two out of the kitchen without OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) seeing me, so, yeah, I added Black Ops to my resume.