~ My advice to young kids today… if it ain’t broke, marry it.
~ I saved a ton of money on my car insurance yesterday by shifting to reverse and fleeing the scene.
~ So far, Grumpy Cat has made it’s owner a $100M dollars. Now OUR cat just ate its dinner too fast and threw up in the floor.
~ If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
~ My mother taught me about the Science of Osmosis when she told me to, “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
~ I know what my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbors are thinking, but all my moaning and grunting is from trying to open this pickle jar.
~ I was singing in the shower and accidentally choked on the water, so I’m pretty sure I know what being water boarded is like.
~ If I was a rapper, most of my songs would be about cleaning the gutters, being in my sweatpants and how orange juice is on sale.
~ I don’t use Social Media to escape reality… I use Social Media to be myself.
~ The most I’ve ever paid for sex was marriage.
~ Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I remember having to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
~ If it ain’t broke, it’s probably because I haven’t touched it yet.
~ I‘d call my fashion style “clothes that kinda still fit.”
~ Navy SEALS have to be able to run 3 miles in like 16 minutes and I can’t even hold up the coffee pot while it fills with water.
~ You know you’re getting old when you have to get up an hour early to do something spontaneous.
~ How do I disable the autocorrect function on OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)?
~ Saying “kids will be kids” does not excuse parents from having to be parents.
~ My body has reached that point where I should have started working on that winning personality a LONG time ago.
~ I am absolutely FED UP with being discriminated against on the basis of my incompetence.
~ The worst part of being named Hugh has to be the constant accusations of letting the dogs out.
~ A new ThOm-ism: Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
~ Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.
~ Don’t keep things bottled up, you might explode. Or implode. Basically you don’t want to any-kind-of-plode. All ploding is bad.
~ “Hint of nipple” is my second favorite amount of nipple… right after “All of the nipple.”
~ I always try to assume the best of people. Like when I see someone buying Tang I don’t think “poor taste in juice” … I think “ASTRONAUT!”
~ Adulthood requires me to have way too many passwords for someone who’s not secretive at all.
~ Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&Ms it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
~ Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
~ Since I’m an asshole, I’m always torn when I see a restroom marked “Gentlemen” … but I still use it.
~ No, no, of course I won’t think any less of you… that’s not even possible.
~ My doctor suggested I eat better, exercise regularly, and quit drinking… and we laughed and laughed! Then she gave me a bunch of prescriptions.
~ I can always remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
~ Every time I see a fly in the house, I call in the SWAT Team.
~ I hope I get a moaner… instead of a sweater on my next birthday.
~ If I live off the grid, can I still do the Electric Slide?
~ A flock of white girls is called a migraine.
~ How hard would it be to add a little punctuation to the “Slow Children Playing” signs?