jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 6-22-2015

~ My advice to young kids today… if it ain’t broke, marry it.

~ I saved a ton of money on my car insurance yesterday by shifting to reverse and fleeing the scene.

~ So far, Grumpy Cat has made it’s owner a $100M dollars. Now OUR cat just ate its dinner too fast and threw up in the floor.

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~ If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

~ My mother taught me about the Science of Osmosis when she told me to, “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

~ I know what my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbors are thinking, but all my moaning and grunting is from trying to open this pickle jar.

~ I was singing in the shower and accidentally choked on the water, so I’m pretty sure I know what being water boarded is like.

~ If I was a rapper, most of my songs would be about cleaning the gutters, being in my sweatpants and how orange juice is on sale.

~ I don’t use Social Media to escape reality… I use Social Media to be myself.

~ The most I’ve ever paid for sex was marriage.

~ Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I remember having to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

~ If it ain’t broke, it’s probably because I haven’t touched it yet.

~ I‘d call my fashion style “clothes that kinda still fit.”

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~ Navy SEALS have to be able to run 3 miles in like 16 minutes and I can’t even hold up the coffee pot while it fills with water.

~ You know you’re getting old when you have to get up an hour early to do something spontaneous.

~ How do I disable the autocorrect function on OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)?

~ Saying “kids will be kids” does not excuse parents from having to be parents.

~ My body has reached that point where I should have started working on that winning personality a LONG time ago.

~ I am absolutely FED UP with being discriminated against on the basis of my incompetence.

~ The worst part of being named Hugh has to be the constant accusations of letting the dogs out.

~ A new ThOm-ism: Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.

~ Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

~ Don’t keep things bottled up, you might explode. Or implode. Basically you don’t want to any-kind-of-plode. All ploding is bad.

~ “Hint of nipple” is my second favorite amount of nipple… right after “All of the nipple.”

~ I always try to assume the best of people. Like when I see someone buying Tang I don’t think “poor taste in juice” … I think “ASTRONAUT!”

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~ Adulthood requires me to have way too many passwords for someone who’s not secretive at all.

~ Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&Ms it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

~ Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

~ Since I’m an asshole, I’m always torn when I see a restroom marked “Gentlemen” … but I still use it.

~ No, no, of course I won’t think any less of you… that’s not even possible.

~ My doctor suggested I eat better, exercise regularly, and quit drinking… and we laughed and laughed! Then she gave me a bunch of prescriptions.

~ I can always remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

~ Every time I see a fly in the house, I call in the SWAT Team.

~ I hope I get a moaner… instead of a sweater on my next birthday.

~ If I live off the grid, can I still do the Electric Slide?

~ A flock of white girls is called a migraine.

~ How hard would it be to add a little punctuation to the “Slow Children Playing” signs?

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