~ People who are driving too slow and then constantly hit their brakes for no reason is why there are murders.
~ I’m pretty much a pro at all things frowned upon.
~ I always keep at least one pocket full of confetti when I leave the house, just as a method of escape from awkward situations.
~ I don’t feel like folding laundry, so I’m going to just restart the dryer 19 times so it’s still going when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gets home from work tonight.
~ To me, having a lot of followers on Twitter is exactly like owning a Ferrari… because I don’t have a Ferrari either.
~ If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
~ Some of the biggest lies I tell are to the calorie tracker app on my iPhone.
~ I was relieved last night when the cop gave me a ticket for driving without headlights. I thought I was going blind.
~ If I was deaf, I wouldn’t have to worry about listening to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) not talk to me when she’s mad.
~ You know you’re ugly when the group of people you’re with always asks you to take the group photo.
~ Sorry I haven’t posted anything for a couple of hours, you guys… I was doing a push-up.
~ I wish my anxiety was as good at disappearing on short notice as my optimism is.
~ If I buy it for $10 I get $5 in store bucks so its like getting it for $5 then when I use the store bucks I get another $5 off! ← OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) logic
~ I put an entire package of bacon into an egg white omelet this morning… because I believe in eating healthy.
~ “You don’t need to tell me where to sign the restraining order” … is among other things I’ve told the Deputy standing on my porch.
~ My favorite part of The Notebook was when I turned it off and watched The Terminator instead.
~ So I learned today that your credit score CAN be a negative number.
~ I missed my calling and have spent my life not being a millionaire.
~ I’ve got one of those body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
~ I would be in much better shape, if I wasn’t fat.
~ The only thing that stopped me from axing my former boss is how hideous I look in orange. That and the whole portion-controlled meals thing…
~ Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure.
~ I don’t have a problem with caffeine… I have a problem without it.
~ I hope she chokes on every lie she has ever told.
~ Please try to do something productive today instead of napping the day away, OK? And then I remember Bernie The WONDER Dog is deaf.
~ As a guy, I know how to change oil, a tire, and a woman’s mind.
~ I delete some posts because I’m afraid too many people might reply.
~ I feel like tomorrow is going to be “be rude to strangers who weren’t even talking to me” day.
~ If you want me to listen to your problems you will have to provide my brand of alcohol.
~ I could be the reason your friends shun you and your family disowns you.
~ A wise man once said… nothing. Because he was listening.
~ The scale doesn’t care how much you’re sucking in.
~ My friendship with Jack is on the rocks.
~ Something you will probably never hear me say is, “Oooops, I’ve gone too far.”
~ My life can be best summed up as that moment when something sexy is about to happen… and then my nose whistles.
~ My superpower is sleeping with my eyes open when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is talking to me.