jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 6-16-2014

~ People who are driving too slow and then constantly hit their brakes for no reason is why there are murders.

~ I’m pretty much a pro at all things frowned upon.

~ I always keep at least one pocket full of confetti when I leave the house, just as a method of escape from awkward situations.

~ I don’t feel like folding laundry, so I’m going to just restart the dryer 19 times so it’s still going when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gets home from work tonight.

~ To me, having a lot of followers on Twitter is exactly like owning a Ferrari… because I don’t have a Ferrari either.

~ If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

~ Some of the biggest lies I tell are to the calorie tracker app on my iPhone.

~ I was relieved last night when the cop gave me a ticket for driving without headlights. I thought I was going blind.

~ If I was deaf, I wouldn’t have to worry about listening to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) not talk to me when she’s mad.

~ You know you’re ugly when the group of people you’re with always asks you to take the group photo.

~ Sorry I haven’t posted anything for a couple of hours, you guys… I was doing a push-up.


~ I wish my anxiety was as good at disappearing on short notice as my optimism is.

~ If I buy it for $10 I get $5 in store bucks so its like getting it for $5 then when I use the store bucks I get another $5 off! ← OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) logic

~ I put an entire package of bacon into an egg white omelet this morning… because I believe in eating healthy.

~ “You don’t need to tell me where to sign the restraining order” … is among other things I’ve told the Deputy standing on my porch.

~ My favorite part of The Notebook was when I turned it off and watched The Terminator instead.

~ So I learned today that your credit score CAN be a negative number.

~ I missed my calling and have spent my life not being a millionaire.

~ I’ve got one of those body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

~ I would be in much better shape, if I wasn’t fat.

~ The only thing that stopped me from axing my former boss is how hideous I look in orange. That and the whole portion-controlled meals thing…

~ Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure.

~ I don’t have a problem with caffeine… I have a problem without it.

~ I hope she chokes on every lie she has ever told.

~ Please try to do something productive today instead of napping the day away, OK? And then I remember Bernie The WONDER Dog is deaf.

~ As a guy, I know how to change oil, a tire, and a woman’s mind.

~ I delete some posts because I’m afraid too many people might reply.

~ I feel like tomorrow is going to be “be rude to strangers who weren’t even talking to me” day.

~ If you want me to listen to your problems you will have to provide my brand of alcohol.

~ I could be the reason your friends shun you and your family disowns you.

~ A wise man once said… nothing. Because he was listening.

~ The scale doesn’t care how much you’re sucking in.

~ My friendship with Jack is on the rocks.

~ Something you will probably never hear me say is, “Oooops, I’ve gone too far.”

~ My life can be best summed up as that moment when something sexy is about to happen… and then my nose whistles.

~ My superpower is sleeping with my eyes open when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is talking to me.