~ I’ll drive six blocks out of the way to avoid having to wave at the neighbor.
~ Most of my workout clothes have pizza stains on them and that’s really all there is to know about me.
~ Food tastes better than skinny.
~ I repeat without lathering or rinsing …
~ I knew the romance was ebbing when she started calling me dude.
~ At my last job, I would spend the first three hours of work figuring out how to not work for the next five.
~ I consider myself flamboyantly straight.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) can remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.
~ Were I going to hell, it wouldn’t in a hand basket. I’d probably be in that shopping cart with the wobbly damn wheel.
~ I sat in traffic so long today I helped the woman next to me complete her crossword puzzle.
~ I have more “ex-girlfriends” that I’ve never dated than anyone I know.
~ After I give advice, I always end my sentence with, “I don’t really know, though …” so you can never say I ruined your life.
~ Turns out you can no longer claim the thug life once you’ve wound up arguing with the Manager at Bed, Bath and Beyond over a sale on towels. Who knew…
~ The most devastating part of having my face blurred on the news was being forced to throw away my lucky shirt.
~ I tried to track my breakfast calories this morning and MyFitBit sent me the number to a therapist.
~ I once tried a new diet where every time I got hungry I took a sleeping pill … I lost 17 pounds and 3 jobs.
~ I’m miserable, morbidly obese and generally repulsive … but I found Photoshop and now people think I’m attractive, fit and happy!
~ You can call me immature all you want, but at least I’m not the one with cooties.