~ The fact that people have actually taken time out of their lives to do the Kylie Jenner challenge is exactly why we need another plague.
~ I cashed in my IRA account today… at a Coinstar.
~ If marriage has taught me anything, it’s that apparently I don’t know how to properly vacuum.
~ I find it sinister that all the TVs at the gym are tuned to food channels.
~ I just invented a new ice cream flavor called Unswept Kitchen Floor. Not bad.
~ I’m not saying I hate my former boss, but I think her best purpose on earth is to become an organ donor.
~ I wasted another therapy session today venting about Pharrell’s hat.
~ Where do I see myself in 5 years? Probably still behind this lady on her cell phone at the Redbox reading off each movie.
~ I once stole a polygraph machine at work… and lied about it.
~ My new phone plan is crazy. Unlimited talk, text, data, salad, and breadsticks.
~ I was always a typical soccer dad: I cheered loudly for the kid; I yell at her Coach when he didn’t play her; and I flash my moobs to distract other team.
~ I’m still haunted by the things I did for a Klondike bar.
~ In our house, the Tooth Fairy always paid in multiples of $0.77 to prepare her for the real world.
~ I consider it community service when I stay at home.
~ You know that person who takes things just a little bit too far and makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable? Hi.
~ Sweat pants and Uggs in Wal*Mart says “… and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
~ I can’t tell you how many times I haven’t said what I wanted to because I was concerned about the brouhaha that would erupt.
~ Yeah hotels, I just love to make coffee in the bathroom.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) asked me to make her scream last night while we were in bed… so I poked her in the eye.
~ It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
~ According to this Macaroni n Cheese serving I just ate, I’m a family of four.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is one of those people who can read five books at the same time… but I can barely finish the one I’m coloring.
~ Why does the person right in front of me at Subway always have to treat building a sandwich like they’re buying a car?
~ How many boxes of these ‘thin’ mints do I have to eat before I finally start seeing some results?
~ Sometimes the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love call the police because you’re outside of their window with binoculars again.
~ It appears OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I installed in our kitchen.
~ My iPhone has 2 million times more storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
~ There’s nothing scarier than a squirrel who’s not afraid of you.
~ My Hicksville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor just found out his brother knocked up his wife. Looks like he’s gonna be an uncle!
~ I just saw a billboard: “Complete cremation – $586.25” My question… is there partial cremation? And what’s the $.25 cents for?
~ I threw a surprise party for our local psychic just to ruin her reputation.
~ Thank you CVS cashier. I wanted a receipt long enough to wallpaper our bedroom with.
~ “I’m not sure this is such a good idea…” is another phrase I’ve never been known to utter.
~ So yesterday I saw a woman in a hospital gown smoking a cigarette outside of the hospital. I admire that kind of dedication. What an inspiration.
~ Nothing makes me feel more old than everything.