~ I never realized how boring and average I was before reality TV.
~ I’m proud to admit I’ve never said I have a favorite child.
~ Can you imagine what last call would look like if Wal*Mart had a bar.
~ How long are we all going to just sit here and act blind to the fact that 90% of the fonts in Microsoft Word are EXACTLY THE SAME?
~ I cross things off my to-do list without actually doing them… because there are no list police.
~ I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this while fully medicated.
~ Thank you for telling me I spend too much time on-line. Much appreciated. And how’s level 393 on Candy Crush? Any luck with that yet?
~ Can we make it a general rule that going to Wal*Mart requires you wearing your teeth?
~ I’d like to see the scientific research proving that money doesn’t buy happiness.
~ Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is half dead from high fives and free shots.
~ I found out today that the new Bed Bath & Beyond in town isn’t a hospice care center.
~ All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my former boss and Satan in the same room together.
~ I’m about one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
~ Not enough things have ejector seats.
~ Out of boredom one day, I posted the question “Isn’t toast just hot bread?” on my FaceBook… and the debate spiraled out of control. One guy deactivated his account and two moms linked toast recipes.
~ I bought a white noise generator, but it was a bit noisy. And racist…
~ If being successful were an amusement park, I’d be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and couldn’t get out.
~ I remember the days before Instagram… when you took a photo of dinner, got it developed, then drove around and showed it to all of your friends.
~ Pro tip – She already knows the answer and is just testing you… so don’t mess it up.
~ The biggest regret a parent could ever make, is purchasing too many Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
~ I can’t believe I grew up for this.
~ I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.
~ You can now buy mini Starbursts that come unwrapped, so check out OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) on TLC next year being extracted from our house through a wall.
~ We’re still making monthly payments on the kid’s labor and delivery invoice. She’ll be 26 in June, but one day, folks, she’ll be all ours.
~ Being popular on-line is like owning a bunch of property in Monopoly.
~ Want to really embarrass a thug? Sneak up behind them and pull their pants up.
~ Although I take several prescription meds, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will always be my drug of choice.
~ I’ve found an easy way to get out of a boring conversation is to drop your pants and scream “stranger danger” while pointing at your friend.
~ What exactly are people doing that requires they need an antiperspirant that will last for 48 hours?
~ “Whatever…” – OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) parking.
~ This salad is delicious… and that’s because it’s a donut.
~ I’m thinking ‘Leg day’ as I squat down to reach the leftover pizza in my fridge.
~ According to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy), it’s not considered shopping if you don’t meet the three store minimum.
~ At my last job, I used to shout things like “clear my schedule” even though I had absolutely no authority over anyone and was literally never busy.
~ If I had a sidekick, their only line would be: “I think this is a bad idea.”
~ Sometimes I put my fingers in my ears just to see if I can tickle my brain.
~ “I don’t know why I bother,” is something people say to me very often.
~ I bet I’ll die doing something I love… like failing to read OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) mind.
And lest I forget, Happy Cinco de Mayo to you all… except to those of you I wished a Happy Cinco de Mayo not knowing you’re Dominican or Honduran or Puerto Rican or that that makes a difference. Sorry.