~If you have nothing to say … just don’t.
~ I wake up every morning already excited about going back to sleep that tonight.
~ I think I’d be better looking if I had uglier friends.
~ It’s not a fake smile if I’m secretly plotting to kick your ass in my mind while I’m smiling.
~ I’m so anti-social, I won’t even meet my potential.
~ I think the middle one is probably my favorite finger of speech.
~ It would be pretty cool that if having a license meant that you actually knew how to drive.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is finally starting to accept me for who she wants me to be.
~ Twice this year I bought a $50 ticket to the ballpark to take advantage of $1 hotdog night.
~ I’m starting to think the other drivers on the road just don’t realize that my agenda is automatically more important than theirs.
~ A diploma is actually just an embossed receipt.
~ The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument … the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
~ At least men and women agree on one thing – they both don’t trust women.
~ Sometimes everyone BUT you sees the train coming.
~ I can’t make up my mind if eating this can of frosting for breakfast is rock bottom or if I’m finally in heaven.
~ The Flight Attendant asked if I was willing to help people exit the plane in an emergency and I said for some of these folks I wouldn’t even need an emergency.
~ Legally speaking, you can build a house right in the middle of Home Depot for free.
~ Some guy tried to wash my windshield yesterday. At first I ignored him, but after a few miles I finally pulled over and asked him to leave.
~ I’m done with Taco Bell after being diagnosed with Type 2 diarrhea.
~ It’s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing.