~ I’ve set a few records… but none that I’m proud of.
~ I don’t always try my best, but when I do, nothing extraordinary happens.
~ I want a tazer. Only for emergencies… and/or entertainment purposes, obviously.
~ The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
~ Mean people don’t bother me a bit. Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a whole lot.
~ Not to brag, but I know exactly what to do in a crisis. I’m really good at panicking.
~ Let’s just say I’m no longer allowed back at the local mattress store and leave it at that.
~ You have no idea what I’m incapable of.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 15-year old daughter just referred to her wrist as her “arm ankle” because she couldn’t remember wrist. I think beauty school just became option A for them.
~ I’m a big advocate of the ‘You started it’ method of defense in an argument.
~ It’s not giving up if you never really tried to start.
~ You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
~ I had never experienced “TRUE” stupidity until I sent my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor to get pizza and he came back holding the boxes vertically. SMDH
~ I watched a TV show last night about a guy that was addicted to eating drywall. He ate his family out of a house and home.
~ I don’t need alcohol to make regrettable decisions.
~ I know the entire Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, but my debit card has the PIN number written on the back.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) never says “I told you so.” She prefers saying “You should have listened to me” because it has much more of a condescending flair to it.
~ Wal*Mart just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
~ If you say, “I’m speechless” and then continue to talk, you need to look that word up in the dictionary.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor said “make yourself at home” then got pissed when I sat on his couch in my underwear and started yelling at his wife.
~ Don’t let the name deceive you… a Ford Escape isn’t a good getaway vehicles.
~ I keep a baked potato in my glovebox, just in case. And, yes, it’s loaded.
~ There’s nothing that says the voices in your head can’t have kick-ass accents.
~ Hi! You may know me as “he who acts awkwardly around hot women” and “the whitest dancer in the Southeast.” No autographs, please.
~ Fitted sheets are not supposed to be folded. Why is this still an issue?
~ For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
~ I’m not the most annoying person in the world. But now, if that person were to die…
~ If you’re willing to overlook an untold number of flaws I am the perfect man.
~ My life is a bunch of “it seemed like a good idea at the time” moments.
~ I’ve I’ve reached the point where I don’t even procrastinate anymore… I just don’t do it.
~ I wonder if people that do “ice fishing” know about “not ice fishing?”
~ Sometimes I think of taking it on the road, getting in touch with ME, and murdering the hell out of a lot of people. Not always. Just sometimes.
~ I wish our kitchen would deliver.
~ Nothing going right today? Turn left.
~ If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating.
~ Sometimes the secret to getting what you want is to give it first.
~ The best fireworks, are sold from people with 7 fingers.
~ Big boobs don’t count if there is a belly button between them.
~ Great news if you’re having a bad day… your chances of dying at some point are 100%.
~ One time in high school, a pretty girl laughed and touched my arm and I flexed so hard I pooped my pants.