~ My neighbor came over this morning and, visibly shaken, told me he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. So I told him if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
~ You had me at proper comma usage.
~ Most people can imagine me making the front page of the paper, just not the Society page.
~ I heard that each week, The White House receives at least 2 turds in the mail… and I want to know who’s sending the other one.
~ I was lucky enough to find her… and smart enough to keep her.
~ Sometimes I read my posts and I think I really should go back on some of my meds.
~ The pure satisfaction you feel when time shows you were right all along.
~ When I want to be judged, I go to a family reunion. Again.
~ When I tell people I’m crazy, they’re never sure if I’m talking Lithium or Straight-Jacket Wearing crazy.
~ People like me ruin it for the rest of you.
~ I’m not a comedian; I just choose to see the humor in most situations.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) asked me If I really wanted to eat pizza two days in a row and nearly created a new definition for “irreconcilable differences.”
~ I would probably starve to death before I was able to peel an orange down to an edible state.
~ I don’t wanna brag, but according to the unanswered messages on my voicemail, I’ve lost 1,473 consecutive games of “phone tag.”
~ I often worry that I dress too sexy… but this is my favorite turtleneck.
~ Staying in my pajamas all day means less laundry, which means less energy and water usage, which means I’m an ENVIRONMENTAL CRUSADER!
~ I keep a pocket full of Pennies to repay people because my thoughts always suck.
~ In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober.
~ We have a new fruit scented Febreeze in our bathroom… it smells like shitrus.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) considers me to be her most disastrously failed DIY project.
~ I Googled, “how to twerk like Miley Cyrus” and the top search result was a Planned Parenthood website.
~ My family gave up on me for Lent.
~ My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
~ Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
~ We don’t always agree, but when we do, we do it her way.
~ I find it funny that most Wal*Mart shoppers will hunt so long for a close parking spot when they could use a healthy stroll more than most.
~ It’s not so much that I CARE what others think of me. I just wonder.
~ I’m trying to lose 25 pounds this year… only 40 to go.
~ I was eating peas when the subject of catapults came up and now there is another restaurant on the list I’m not allowed to visit.
~ I’m pretty useful as long as you don’t need anything.
~ I’m actually a really nice person… among other lies.
~ My net worth is whatever my hoard of crushed cans will bring at the recycling center that week.
~ I’ve started sleeping with one eye open just in case OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) wants to cash in on the whole death do us part thing.
~ You know what most people like about me? Yeah… me either.
~ That question on your job interview about where do you see yourself in 10 years… rehab is NEVER the right answer.
~ My workout routine is just me breathing heavy and sweating profusely while I open a bag of Doritos.
~ A real friend comes up with an alternate alibi for you in case the one you thought of is stupid.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said I have to go grocery shopping at Wal*Mart with her when I finish my shower… so I’ve been in here since Tuesday.