~ Does it count as saving a life if you just refrain from killing them?
~ I really want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
~ To the guy who parked his new 2108 Lexus LC 500s across two parking spaces at The Wal*Marts: Your car got paint on my keys.
~ I just saw a guy who was SO Dyslexic that he had a bumper sticker on the front of his car.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is silent, I listen very carefully.
~ My American Dream is to get fit while sitting on the couch eating Cheetos.
~ You can’t control what happens in life. But you CAN control who gets throat punched.
~ I don’t have Tourette’s. I just really hate voice mail.
~ My reality check bounced.
~ Have you ever noticed that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
~ Until I finally tuned in about halfway through the first season, I thought Deadliest Catch was a show about marriage.
~ At my recent appointment, the doctor started putting on latex gloves, so I whipped out my own pair and put them on, too. The exam went downhill from there …
~ I’ll never forget discovering that Santa isn’t real, learning how to ride a bicycle and losing my virginity. Tuesday was one heckuva day.
~ Guinness says there’s no official category, but I just realized I had 71 browsers open on my iPhone and 30 were for the Red Robin senior menu.
~ I’m not saying I’m bilingual, but I can speak Mexican food and margaritas.
~ I am SO sorry that I misunderstood when you said you wanted two fingers. I’ll go get your whiskey now.
~ 10 people in 1 suffer from multiple personality disorder.
~ It’s only an obsession if it’s bad for you … everyone knows that.
~ Anytime you hear any moans of pleasure coming from our room, it just means I’m eating fried chicken in bed … again.