~ If I could harness the persistence I have when trying to get something that’s stuck between my teeth, I’d be super successful in life.
~ My life is just one long pipe dream where the plumbing is bad
~ Do you realize its only white people would who build a dinosaur park four more times after the dinosaurs ate everyone?
~ In my case, that which doesn’t kill me just makes me fatter.
~ My old nickname at work was, “Where the hell have you been?”
~ According to WebMD search, “IDGAF” isn’t curable.
~ I have an idea for an alarm clock that takes an unedited selfie and posts it every time you hit snooze… gonna ponder it a bit more.
~ I’ve started to call random numbers and say “Psychic Hotline, can I help you?” in hopes that one day I’ll freak out someone who was about to call.
~ I find it weird how most dudes with gray hair are called a “Silver Fox,” but I’m called a “Gross You’re Old.”
~ The chances of me actually buying something will increase tenfold if the salesperson just leaves me the heck alone.
~ Our marriage is a triathlon where the events are turning the TV up/down, deciding where to eat, and stacking trash until other person takes it out.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s Groundhog Day DVD is stuck in his player so it’s the only thing he can watch … and the irony is completely lost on him.
~ Not to brag, but I’m the all time points leader in my Weight Watchers league.
~ Sometimes when I’m faced with an unpleasant task, I just have to dig down deep and find the strength to get someone else to do it.
~ I feel as if I’m frequently unfairly blamed for things just because they were my fault.
~ I doubt I would have paid for all my education if I’d known I’d still have problems folding collapsing chairs.
~ Is a 12-step program considered cardio?
~ I thought I was easily the coolest guy in the McDonald’s Play Place yesterday until I saw a toddler at the top of the slide smoking a cigarette.