~ My former boss once called me into her office and said I had to stop yelling out the word “block” every time she asked me to do something.
~ I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s.
~ That which doesn’t kill you… was only practicing.
~ If I lived every day as if it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
~ Despite many years of education, I will always misspell bureaucracy and restaurant on the first attempt.
~ I was cursed with caviar taste and a trailer park budget.
~ I’m forming a dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
~ The box of Thin Mints I had for breakfast left me looking for something more substantial for lunch… so I had two boxes of Somoas.
~ Once I finish off the last box of Girl Scout cookies in the house, I can start my diet.
~ What I lack in intelligence, I make up for by being very vocabulatorious.
~ Someone gets into a traffic accident every sixty seconds. I, for one, think that person needs their license revoked.
~ There should be an age cap for bedazzled jeans.
~ I don’t really need a haircut, but that’s the only time I get to wear a cape outside of the house.
~ I was voted “Most Likely To Be Taken Out Of My House By A Forklift” in High School. And I’m nearly there…
~ Personally, I find it sad that we live in a society that must be constantly reminded to flush and wash their hands after using the bathroom.
~ That Special K protein shake I had for breakfast tasted like I’m gonna be stopping at McDonald’s for a sausage biscuit with egg and a hashbrown.
~ I could be wrong… but that’s mostly because I have no idea what I’m talking about.
~ I’d like to sincerely apologize to anyone who thinks this situation might get better.
~ Ugh. This is the grossest, most disgraceful hospital I have ever been in. You should all see… uhhh… wait. Wait. This is the bathroom at Taco Bell. I apologize.
~ I hate when someone isn’t intelligent enough to get that I’m insulting them.
~ Why has no one thought to put sirens on pizza delivery cars?
~ Minor inconveniences will be the death of my sanity.
~ Facebook needs a relationship status called “Whipped by…”
~ If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, then it’s safe to say that I’m harmless.
~ I’m 39ft 9″ tall, in dog height.
~ I can tell I’m not gonna answer my phone just by hearing it ring.
~ Cereal is Latin for “cooking is hard.”
~ Shouldn’t the psychics that send spam to my e-mail already know that I’m going to block them?
~ The cat was lying across my laptop keyboard and when she got up she had a degree from ITT Tech.
~ Side effects of telling OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
~ I have a sneaking suspicion that McDonald’s is fattening us all up for that stupid clown to eat us.
~ I heard today that some people buy cookie dough and actually bake it.
~ I accidently called AA by mistake… those drunks sure can’t change a tire.
~ I started my new workout regime today by taking a jog around the trailer park… in my truck.
~ Sanity was never an option I chose.
~ I learned today that if you cry at the DMV they’ll let you take a second photo.
~ There’s no problem that can’t be made worse by simply asking for my advice.
~ When I look at tabloids in the checkout line, and don’t recognize the people on the covers, I feel like I care about the right stuff.
~ To the guy in the Wal*Mart parking lot with the “YOLO” license plate on his Dodge Neon… calm down Dude.