~ I wanna be the guy that gets to test the drugs to see if it really is unsafe to operate heavy machinery.
~ My schizophrenia’s has gotten so bad, I’ve started following myself on Twitter.
~ I dropped my phone between the seat and center console of my truck. In related news, I found $1, my favorite pen, AND I can drive with no seat.
~ I flushed candy wrappers down the toilet so I wouldn’t get busted by OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). This is rock bottom isn’t it?
~ When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
~ I tried to figure out how to make a strawberry/banana smoothie this morning, but I got confused and made bacon and eggs.
~ Before getting too cocky, remember, there’s always someone, somewhere who’s cropping you out of a photo.
~ I must be a bit dyslexic because I saw a sign today that said “honor system” and I misread it as “free stuff.”
~ Sometimes OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to lean in close to me and gently whisper, “You’re on my hair.”
~ There’s nothing sexier than a woman who doesn’t find me repulsive.
~ I’m thinking a cash bar on parent/teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
~ I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
~ That weird guy walking around the mall with toilet paper on his shoe today was me.
~ Some people say I’m lazy. I think I’m at peace with the world.
~ I think all work should pay instantly… like babysitting or prostitution.
~ The trouble with trouble is… it usually starts out fun.
~ At my old job, I learned you got invited to attend fewer committee and office meetings when you hugged each coworker at the end and whispered, “You smell fantastic.”
~ If you keep trying to make me talk to your baby on the phone, his first word will probably be something you aren’t proud of.
~ People who say “sarcasm is the lowest form of humor” are invariably the ones who have no clue how to use it.
~ I don’t mean to brag, but my eyebrows are real.
~ I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it’s my default setting.
~ The speed limit doesn’t apply to the fast lane. Everybody knows that.
~ I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years screwing stuff up so you don’t have to.
~ Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
~ They say not to mix alcohol and my meds, but the purple unicorn I rode last night says that’s merely a suggestion.
~ A woman never forgets… she just adds it to her file.
~ I expect to be nominated for an Oscar for my role as “Man surprised his credit card was declined.”
~ I used to be cool. Now I’m tepid… and that’s on a good day.
~ Don’t take this the wrong way, but everything you say sounds stupid.
~ I plan on doing some serious multi-slacking tomorrow.
~ Your bumper sticker tells me your kid is an honor student, but your driving tells me you’re an idiot.
~ No need to apologize. I’m never gonna forgive you anyhow.
~ I’m much better… in theory.
~ All I really want is to be the guy that names crayons.
~ Every time I check my blood pressure in one of those supermarket machines, there’s a few seconds I fear it will squeeze my arm off.
~ I can still remember when we had cold snaps, before vortexes were invented.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor just borrowed my air pump. I guess his date has a slow leak.
~ OK… OK… OK, but can you define stark raving mad?