~ It’s okay, Web MD … I don’t really know what’s wrong with me either.
~ So my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbors, being good Catholics, practice the “Rhythm Method” of contraception. Of course, being that they’re white, they already have 9 kids.
~ Please don’t call me a loser … I prefer the term “Victory Impaired.”
~ I was too sick to eat my toast this morning, but ate donuts just fine 5 minutes later. I’m thinking it must be that “toast flu” going around.
~ I wish there was a “find my other damn sock” App.
~ Before you get married, just know that there’s a wrong way to place hand soap next to the sink.
~ My superpower is turning $1000 into $1.48 in 3 minutes, apparently.
~ My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
~ I’m not old school … I’m just old.
~ I just don’t know which bad decision I should make next.
~ No one ever said life would be easy. At least I don’t think they did. I seldom pay attention.
~ Early in our marriage we lived paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, we now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
~ I recently found my first sex tape. Actually it’s just 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty thing I fell off of in the pool … but it’s ugly, none-the-less.
~ My fortune yesterday cookie said, “I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”
~ Of course I’m the life of the party … as long as it doesn’t last past 8pm.
~ I flashed my full set of teeth at The Wal*Marts earlier this week and I was delayed for two hours signing autographs and posing for pictures.
~ When in doubt, I just wear a cape and bewilder everyone.
~ How bad does your life have to become to buy clothes from Walgreens?
~ It’s not that I LIKE being difficult … it’s just that I’m good at it.