jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 5-12-2014

~ Hey… white guys with dreads: if you’re wondering what that smell is, it’s your dreads.

~ I tried to surprise OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) by recovering the couch, but she didn’t like the color of spray paint I got on sale.

~ I would probably learn from my mistakes if I wasn’t always so busy making more.

~ I tuned me autocorrect off and haven’t noticed one but of difference.

~ Approximately 45% of my day consists of making faces and sound effects… but then my Tourette’s meds kick in.

~ It might not seem like it to you, but I think I still have a long ways to go before I’ve gone too far.

~ My neighbor’s mustache is tearing her family apart!

~ I just realized that the serving size of Cinnamon Toast Crunch is 3/4 cups and not 34 cups. This is terrible, terrible news.

~ Control top pantyhose are considered yoga pants here around the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Trailer Park.

~ I took an advanced geometry class in college and I still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

~ My neighbor accidentally wore jeans instead of camouflage pajamas to Wal*Mart and now his cousin wants to divorce him. There is never a dull day in the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Trailer Park.

~ Nothing says local like bifocals and a mullet.

~ My neighbors were listening to some pretty cool music until they called the cops and asked me to turn it down.

~ Too many people mistake their education for intelligence.

~ My grocery list is just an empty frosting can.

~ I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.

~ I had a road rage meltdown in the Wal*Mart Express Checkout line today… but in my defense, she DID have 11 items.

~ If you’ve shaved your eyebrows off and painted on new ones, I won’t be asking you for your advice.


~ Sometimes bad things happen to good people… and I usually try to take photos when they do.

~ If I’m ever murdered, I’m confident there will be a hell of a lot of suspects.

~ The majority of my posts are beautifully pointless.

~ So today in Wal*Mart there was a 70-ish guy reeking of Aqua Velva with cheap chocolate and strawberry wine in his cart. I wished him good luck.

~ The best part about people judging me is that I don’t care.

~ I want to travel the world, but from my bed. So I watch The Travel Channel.

~ Anytime I have a moment of clarity, it is quickly followed by the realization that I know nothing.

~ Nothing good has ever come from this. ~ Me after waking up

~ I have a slight problem with… everything.

~ Don’t try to figure me out. I’m a special kind of twisted.

~ I’ve never sky dived, but I do enjoy zooming in real fast on Google Earth.

~ When given a choice, I prefer to be the bamboozler rather than the bamboozled.

~ This morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) asked me when I was going to grow up. I was so offended I almost threw my juice box at her big fat doodie head.

~ If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you.

~ If opportunity ever knocks at my door, I hope it’s unlocked because I’m not getting up to answer it.

~ I’ve never literally been tortured, but I have driven behind old people on the interstate.

~ I’ve been hired for my “can do” attitude in the past… but the joke was on them since they didn’t know about my “probably won’t do” clause.

~ Our neighbor’s cat jumped on his new Smart car and tore off the bumper. It’s ok, though, he was able to fix it with a crouton and a booger.

~ With my life, it’s imperative to have the support of a few really good friends. So thanks Gin, Lime and Lemonade… love you guys.