~ Hey… white guys with dreads: if you’re wondering what that smell is, it’s your dreads.
~ I tried to surprise OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) by recovering the couch, but she didn’t like the color of spray paint I got on sale.
~ I would probably learn from my mistakes if I wasn’t always so busy making more.
~ I tuned me autocorrect off and haven’t noticed one but of difference.
~ Approximately 45% of my day consists of making faces and sound effects… but then my Tourette’s meds kick in.
~ It might not seem like it to you, but I think I still have a long ways to go before I’ve gone too far.
~ My neighbor’s mustache is tearing her family apart!
~ I just realized that the serving size of Cinnamon Toast Crunch is 3/4 cups and not 34 cups. This is terrible, terrible news.
~ Control top pantyhose are considered yoga pants here around the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Trailer Park.
~ I took an advanced geometry class in college and I still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
~ My neighbor accidentally wore jeans instead of camouflage pajamas to Wal*Mart and now his cousin wants to divorce him. There is never a dull day in the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Trailer Park.
~ Nothing says local like bifocals and a mullet.
~ My neighbors were listening to some pretty cool music until they called the cops and asked me to turn it down.
~ Too many people mistake their education for intelligence.
~ My grocery list is just an empty frosting can.
~ I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
~ I had a road rage meltdown in the Wal*Mart Express Checkout line today… but in my defense, she DID have 11 items.
~ If you’ve shaved your eyebrows off and painted on new ones, I won’t be asking you for your advice.
~ Sometimes bad things happen to good people… and I usually try to take photos when they do.
~ If I’m ever murdered, I’m confident there will be a hell of a lot of suspects.
~ The majority of my posts are beautifully pointless.
~ So today in Wal*Mart there was a 70-ish guy reeking of Aqua Velva with cheap chocolate and strawberry wine in his cart. I wished him good luck.
~ The best part about people judging me is that I don’t care.
~ I want to travel the world, but from my bed. So I watch The Travel Channel.
~ Anytime I have a moment of clarity, it is quickly followed by the realization that I know nothing.
~ Nothing good has ever come from this. ~ Me after waking up
~ I have a slight problem with… everything.
~ Don’t try to figure me out. I’m a special kind of twisted.
~ I’ve never sky dived, but I do enjoy zooming in real fast on Google Earth.
~ When given a choice, I prefer to be the bamboozler rather than the bamboozled.
~ This morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) asked me when I was going to grow up. I was so offended I almost threw my juice box at her big fat doodie head.
~ If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you.
~ If opportunity ever knocks at my door, I hope it’s unlocked because I’m not getting up to answer it.
~ I’ve never literally been tortured, but I have driven behind old people on the interstate.
~ I’ve been hired for my “can do” attitude in the past… but the joke was on them since they didn’t know about my “probably won’t do” clause.
~ Our neighbor’s cat jumped on his new Smart car and tore off the bumper. It’s ok, though, he was able to fix it with a crouton and a booger.
~ With my life, it’s imperative to have the support of a few really good friends. So thanks Gin, Lime and Lemonade… love you guys.