~ If you thought the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight was huge, you should have seen the one when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) found out I paid $100 to watch it.
~ I’m not saying she’s old, but OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) driver’s license is valid for covered wagons.
~ My TrailerHood neighbor is crushed. He came home from work early and caught his inflatable girlfriend cheating on him with the beachball.
~ There’s a special place for people that rush to get off the plane before that door is open… and it’s called the aisle.
~ Today I walked into a dollar store, flashed the cashier a $10 bill and said, “Show me your finest merchandise.” So you can add ANOTHER restraining order to the list…
~ I may not be an Anthropologist, but I DO know your tribal tattoos tell me you’re a middle class white kid from the suburbs.
~ It’s your choice what you do with your life today. But just know, regardless of good or bad decisions, you will undoubtedly end up in a terrible nursing home.
~ My TrailerHood neighbor says he knows a place that serves a really good all day breakfast. And while it’s tempting, but I just don’t have that kind of time.
~ Just once I’d love to fill up a t-shirt cannon with loaves of bread and teach some ducks a lesson.
~ If I ever find myself in prison, I’ll grow my fingernails out and act crazy…. because no one messes with long fingernailed crazy people.
~ My level of sarcasm has reached a point that even I don’t know if I’m serious.
~ Do NOT expect a “Bless You” after your fifth sneeze… you just need to
get that situation under control.
~ If you use a staple remover for its actual purpose rather than pretending it’s a monster eating things, you’re clearly more mature than me.
~ I just plucked out a three inch long eyebrow hair, so yeah, you could say I manscape.
~ Has anyone ever said you have a beautiful smile? Good… because you don’t.
~ When I’m a ghost, I plan to spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste some idiot’s time.
~ When one door closes, I stay inside and take a nap. Everything happens for a reason.
~ There is nothing like sitting in a naked beanbag chair eating Cheerios… but I hope they let me back into Wal*Mart.
~ Just once I wish my nose would pick me.
~ The McRib is the herpes of fast food sandwiches, you know it’s coming back… you just don’t know when.
~ If at any point I appear to be doing the smart thing I assure you it’s purely by accident.
~ Don’t criticize that which you don’t understand.
~ Back in high school, I once dated a girl for two months just because she had a trampoline.
~ I bet they make you fold fitted sheets in hell.
~ Shout out to the USPS for stuffing our mailbox full of Big Lots flyers while leaving the important looking bank documents out in the rain. WTH??
~ I built a cardboard fort for myself with a skylight and fluorescent lighting and then got yelled at for not emptying the dishwasher. Priorities…
~ Sometimes I think being a driver is a ridiculous occupation… and then I remember there are people who paint pictures on fingernails.
~ If nobody comes from the future to stop me, how bad can my decision really be?
~ My Work Out Tip: I always wear comfy clothes when going out for a run, so that when I decide to take a nap instead, I’m prepared.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor said his girlfriend can’t satisfy him sexually anymore… but its only because he’s too tired after blowing her up to have sex.
~ If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
~ I guess you could say that aside from life, everything is going pretty well.
~ The local women’s prison allows conjugal visits. And today my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor learned you have to actually know someone incarcerated… you can’t just show up.