~ The reality is, we’re all The Wal*Marts people.
~ I wouldn’t tell you how to raise your children, but I really think you should teach them how to shut the hell up more.
~ If you didn’t have a tangled up slinky and a Rubik’s cube with crooked stickers growing up, then did you even have a childhood?
~ I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
~ I like to make my dental hygienist earn her pay by eating 25 Oreos in the parking lot before going in.
~ Not to brag, but miscommunication is my forte.
~ So now they’ve installed TVs at gas pumps! Yesterday I just watched the entire last season of Game of Thrones and spent $7,389 on gas.
~ “Sleep is overrated,” I lie to myself.
~ My new fitness goal: Not to be winded on my third trip to the buffet.
~ Sometimes I think I’m smart … like maybe I’ve got this life thing down. And then the ice cubes hit me in the face when I take a sip of water.
~ I’ve found that the people who complain about the things they can’t control, are the same people who do little about the things they can control.
~ Diarrhea so bad it makes you think, “I don’t have a will. DAMMIT … I should probably have a will.”
~ I completely threw out my back coughing this morning, if you were curious as to why I don’t “do sports.”
~ So today I learned that 9-1-1 is not for when someone starts clipping their toe nails at the table next to me at Arby’s.
~ Looking back over my life, I think the thing I’m most proud of is knowing the differences between there/their/they’re, to/too/two, and your/you’re.
~ I choked on some celery this morning. The entire time, all I could think was, “I bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
~ The traditional 10-year wedding anniversary gift should be changed to duct tape and a shovel.