~ I once fell in love with a psychic who broke up with me before we met.
~ Most folks who don’t know me very well and think that’s enough.
~ I’ve learned that Ibuprofen works best when you buy the economy size bottle, then use it to slap the hell out of the idiot giving you the headache.
~ I hate days when my IBS and Tourette’s act up at the same time.
~ Too good to be true usually turns into a prison sentence.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is cleaning out her purse… so it appears we’ll be having a garage sale soon.
~ So eHarmony just matched me with a sausage McMuffin and a Netflix subscription.
~ If by “yoga” you mean sitting on the couch Indian style struggling to grab the remote while eating hot pockets then yes, I do that.
~ You probably need to watch all the seasons of me to know what is going on with my current episode.
~ I’ve been saying that I did stuff before it was cool before that was even cool.
~ I never feel more accomplished than when I nail final Jeopardy.
~ I’ve been employed full time before, but I aspire to be a 23 year old with four kids collecting welfare posting to Facebook about how stupid people are.
~ When I hear a baby crying it makes me thankful it’s not mine.
~ Never ask an idiot what’s on their mind… because I’m not ashamed to tell you.
~ There’s a special place in Hell for people who call you to see if you got their email.
~ The first rule of Lazy Club is…
~ I get tired of people who hate their job just enough to constantly bitch about it, but not enough to actually look for another one.
~ I often have to tell people that I’m delightful, otherwise they might not know.
~ I’m eating Dollar Tree kettle corn if anyone is looking for a financial advisor.
~ My ideas are only bad if OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) didn’t think of them first.
~ Not to brag, but I’m always the best looking guy in the room when I don’t leave my house.
~ When driving by a jogger, I always think “good for them” as I’m eating my donut.
~ A weekend getaway is a nice way for OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I to argue with different scenery.
~ I bet I’ll die doing what I love: Interrupting OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) one last time.
~ I recall 401k meetings at work were the best way to learn that I’d never have enough money to retire. So I just quit.
~ There is no hierarchy of losers… we are all equally pathetic.
~ I hate to say I told you so. Nahhhh… just kidding. I love saying it.
~ You haven’t seen awkward until you’ve seen someone ask me what my hobbies are.
~ There’s a good chance I won’t be who you expect me to be and an even better chance that I won’t even care.
~ Sometimes I wish I could be as clueless as the people that take my posts seriously.
~ Even in hindsight I never have any idea what’s going on.
~ You really don’t know someone’s true intelligence level until you remove their access to Google.
~ It’s never too early to start practicing shuffleboard so you can eventually dominate the assisted living facility.
~ I’ve come to realize that my contact info on most folk’s phones is labeled as “Don’t Answer.”
~ There are very few things sadder than a fat kid on a trampoline whose feet are touching the ground.
~ Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on regular, everyday objects, it’s probably just as well that real light sabers aren’t available yet.
~ I’m all for carb loading, but with a lot less of the training and a lot more of the because carbs are delicious.
~ I remember I was funny once, but it was completely by accident.