jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 4-28-2015

~ I always feel like an idiot no matter how I pronounce pecan.

~ Grilled cheese is the sweatpants of food.

~ I was once arrested and jailed by the Amish police. To make it worse, I had to help them build the jail.

~ I’m nearly fat enough to try bringing the MuuMuu back in fashion…

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~ My TrailerHood neighbor works at a strip club that is so low-rent that if “Mercedes” and “Lexus” were honest with themselves, they would go by “Buick” and “Pinto.”

~ I’m not saying the warm cookie I got at the hotel check-in is the best thing that’s happened to me in 2014, but it’s definitely in my top one.

~ People who tell me they want to get to know me better, clearly don’t know me, or they wouldn’t want to get to know me better.

~ Not everyone in your life is a blessing. Some of us are lessons.

~ Back when I was in 6th grade, everyone said my hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair, but no one could stop watching.

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~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) loves french fries… but only if she didn’t order them.

~ The best way to find a lost sock is to throw away its match.

~ New studies reveal it takes the average person roughly four days to locate the exit inside any given IKEA.

~ I have GOT to lose some weight. I just got an unsolicited job offer to be a Sumo Wrestler.

~ Some people become doctors… some lawyers. Me? I just spent 18 minutes trying to pry open a pistachio.

~ There is a new indie label in Nashville that requires a urinalysis to prove you consume the 10 quarts of hummus per day required in their bylaws.

~ I thought I was running pretty fast during my first 5K race until a dad pushing a stroller went flying past me.

~ I can never tell if Social Media has saved or ruined me.

~ No response is sometimes the loudest of all.

~ I think my neighbor’s toddler was a dictator in a past life. Mussolini, maybe. Even though I don’t understand any of his rants, he’s terrifying.

~ Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great-great-grandson Fig was born.

~ I made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

~ Apparently she “loves me not.” But I do wish this butterfly had more wings.

~ I could write a movie about my high school dating history… I would call it The Nopebook.

~ My hobbies include trying desperately to close the elevator door before someone else gets the chance to get on.

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~I wonder if poles are asked their sexual orientation before it’s decided if they go to the strip club or the fire house?

~ Anytime OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gets mad at me for doing something stupid, I just remind her that it’s her fault for leaving me unsupervised.

~ Letting them know you don’t care is way better than revenge.

~ I like to turn all of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) books into suspense novels by tearing out the last two pages.

~ My life story is being published. It’s a pamphlet.

~ I’m on my 10th Five-year Plan… and so far I’m 0 for 10.

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