~ I always feel like an idiot no matter how I pronounce pecan.
~ Grilled cheese is the sweatpants of food.
~ I was once arrested and jailed by the Amish police. To make it worse, I had to help them build the jail.
~ I’m nearly fat enough to try bringing the MuuMuu back in fashion…
~ My TrailerHood neighbor works at a strip club that is so low-rent that if “Mercedes” and “Lexus” were honest with themselves, they would go by “Buick” and “Pinto.”
~ I’m not saying the warm cookie I got at the hotel check-in is the best thing that’s happened to me in 2014, but it’s definitely in my top one.
~ People who tell me they want to get to know me better, clearly don’t know me, or they wouldn’t want to get to know me better.
~ Not everyone in your life is a blessing. Some of us are lessons.
~ Back when I was in 6th grade, everyone said my hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair, but no one could stop watching.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) loves french fries… but only if she didn’t order them.
~ The best way to find a lost sock is to throw away its match.
~ New studies reveal it takes the average person roughly four days to locate the exit inside any given IKEA.
~ I have GOT to lose some weight. I just got an unsolicited job offer to be a Sumo Wrestler.
~ Some people become doctors… some lawyers. Me? I just spent 18 minutes trying to pry open a pistachio.
~ There is a new indie label in Nashville that requires a urinalysis to prove you consume the 10 quarts of hummus per day required in their bylaws.
~ I thought I was running pretty fast during my first 5K race until a dad pushing a stroller went flying past me.
~ I can never tell if Social Media has saved or ruined me.
~ No response is sometimes the loudest of all.
~ I think my neighbor’s toddler was a dictator in a past life. Mussolini, maybe. Even though I don’t understand any of his rants, he’s terrifying.
~ Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great-great-grandson Fig was born.
~ I made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
~ Apparently she “loves me not.” But I do wish this butterfly had more wings.
~ I could write a movie about my high school dating history… I would call it The Nopebook.
~ My hobbies include trying desperately to close the elevator door before someone else gets the chance to get on.
~I wonder if poles are asked their sexual orientation before it’s decided if they go to the strip club or the fire house?
~ Anytime OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gets mad at me for doing something stupid, I just remind her that it’s her fault for leaving me unsupervised.
~ Letting them know you don’t care is way better than revenge.
~ I like to turn all of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) books into suspense novels by tearing out the last two pages.
~ My life story is being published. It’s a pamphlet.
~ I’m on my 10th Five-year Plan… and so far I’m 0 for 10.