~ I was at Wal*Mart and overheard a group of teenagers talking and, uhhhh, it’s not looking good America.
~ In the unlikely event of a water landing, my mouth can used to make a terrifying scream.
~ When zombies want to lose weight, they go on an all-blonde diet.
~ Watching me try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
~ My new fitness routine: I work out in the nude in front of a full-length mirror and I can’t stop until the sobbing subsides. I’m averaging 45 minutes.
~ If your yoga pants look like they fell in a vat of cottage cheese, different clothing may be right for you.
~ How often do you clean your home? I just had to use a bottle of Tilex to clean off a bottle of Clorox. Look out Hoarders…
~ One of my favorite things is when someone posts a selfie and nobody likes it.
~ The NSA is the only branch of the government that actually listens to people.
~ I just cleaned up my yard. Now I just need to get the Google Earth guy out here for a re-take.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) still doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.
~ ThOm-Tip: To clean a really dirty pan, I soak it in hot water and soap overnight and then throw it away when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) isn’t looking.
~ So for dinner, I ate peanut butter in a hot dog bun because I’m the MacGyver of poverty.
~ How can I possibly be this exhausted from getting nothing done?
~ I always bear in mind I’ll be dead sooner than I think and people will stop giving a damn about me way quicker than I’d like. Keeps me positive!
~ I went and adopted a drug sniffing dog today. I’m hoping he’ll help me find my Lipitor.
~ My doctor said it was important for me to lose 10% of my body weight, so I finally clipped my toenails.
~ I think more tattoo artists really just need to say, “No, I’m not doing that.”
~ So many people are passionately working to make the world a better place. I’m gonna do my part by staying out of their way.
~ Sometimes I go to bed just to stop eating.
~ With all of psychopaths out there with thwarted ambitions, I’m just grateful my body would be hard to dispose of.
~ I know a thing or two. But, that’s about it.
~ I was reading a distress call in Morse Code last night when the neighbor called to tell me his 2-yo had discovered the light switches. Had to stand-down from DEFCON-4…
~ My favorite thing about tofu is never eating it.
~ I just inventoried our silverware drawer and the current totals are: 27 forks, 13 knives, and 137,563 spoons.
~ My stomach just made a sound that let’s me know I should’ve bought more toilet paper.
~ At my last job, I used to schedule meetings just to discuss why we couldn’t get anything done.
~ I was hungry for 3 hours last night because I didn’t want to wait 35 minutes for a pot pie to cook.
~ Around these Hickville Holler (Pop 2) parts, a beautiful person with nice teeth is called “a foreigner.”
~ I saw a car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tried a home spray tan last night and now she looks like Wesley Snipes.
~ My biggest problem with going to the gym is every thing is heavy and those machines make me tired.
~ Your new password cannot be any of the last 6,452 passwords you used… OR the one you’re thinking of now.
~ If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite, it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.
~ I was taught as a child that if I have nothing nice to say… anyway this is may be goodbye.