jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 4-28-2014

~ I was at Wal*Mart and overheard a group of teenagers talking and, uhhhh, it’s not looking good America.

~ In the unlikely event of a water landing, my mouth can used to make a terrifying scream.

~ When zombies want to lose weight, they go on an all-blonde diet.

~ Watching me try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

~ My new fitness routine: I work out in the nude in front of a full-length mirror and I can’t stop until the sobbing subsides. I’m averaging 45 minutes.

~ If your yoga pants look like they fell in a vat of cottage cheese, different clothing may be right for you.


~ How often do you clean your home? I just had to use a bottle of Tilex to clean off a bottle of Clorox. Look out Hoarders…

~ One of my favorite things is when someone posts a selfie and nobody likes it.

~ The NSA is the only branch of the government that actually listens to people.

~ I just cleaned up my yard. Now I just need to get the Google Earth guy out here for a re-take.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) still doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.

~ ThOm-Tip: To clean a really dirty pan, I soak it in hot water and soap overnight and then throw it away when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) isn’t looking.

~ So for dinner, I ate peanut butter in a hot dog bun because I’m the MacGyver of poverty.

~ How can I possibly be this exhausted from getting nothing done?

~ I always bear in mind I’ll be dead sooner than I think and people will stop giving a damn about me way quicker than I’d like. Keeps me positive!

~ I went and adopted a drug sniffing dog today. I’m hoping he’ll help me find my Lipitor.

~ My doctor said it was important for me to lose 10% of my body weight, so I finally clipped my toenails.

~ I think more tattoo artists really just need to say, “No, I’m not doing that.”

~ So many people are passionately working to make the world a better place. I’m gonna do my part by staying out of their way.

~ Sometimes I go to bed just to stop eating.

~ With all of psychopaths out there with thwarted ambitions, I’m just grateful my body would be hard to dispose of.

~ I know a thing or two. But, that’s about it.

~ I was reading a distress call in Morse Code last night when the neighbor called to tell me his 2-yo had discovered the light switches. Had to stand-down from DEFCON-4…

~ My favorite thing about tofu is never eating it.

~ I just inventoried our silverware drawer and the current totals are: 27 forks, 13 knives, and 137,563 spoons.

~ My stomach just made a sound that let’s me know I should’ve bought more toilet paper.

~ At my last job, I used to schedule meetings just to discuss why we couldn’t get anything done.

~ I was hungry for 3 hours last night because I didn’t want to wait 35 minutes for a pot pie to cook.

~ Around these Hickville Holler (Pop 2) parts, a beautiful person with nice teeth is called “a foreigner.”

~ I saw a car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tried a home spray tan last night and now she looks like Wesley Snipes.

~ My biggest problem with going to the gym is every thing is heavy and those machines make me tired.

~ Your new password cannot be any of the last 6,452 passwords you used… OR the one you’re thinking of now.

~ If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite, it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.

~ I was taught as a child that if I have nothing nice to say… anyway this is may be goodbye.