~ My life is unfolding in much the same way an old lawn chair creaks open and pinches your middle finger off.
~ Over the years I’ve developed thick skin. I think it’s a genetic disorder, so don’t tease me about it.
~ I like to surprise my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbors by putting a yard sale sign on their lawn after dark on a Friday night.
~ My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
~ OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) superpower is knowing what she wants and getting upset when I you can’t read her mind.
~ Babies are awful. I mean, they’re loud, obnoxious and one even turned into Obama.
~ I just gave the cat an 8-minute lecture on why she shouldn’t screw with me today. I should probably just go back to bed…
~ As of today, I’ve been married for 91 pounds.
~ My credit card now knows how I feel… since no one accepts me either.
~ So yesterday I woke up and asked myself if I wanted to go for a morning run… and myself said HELL no.
~ Have you ever noticed how many of the women shopping for organic produce at Whole Foods have been shot full of artificial preservatives?
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) reminds me of a girl with an embarrassing tattoo … she knows how to make bad decisions and stick with it.
~ The cat had a hairball and barely made it to our bed on time.
~ I love how the crop top keeps coming back in style when those wearing one are even fatter than the last time they were too fat to wear one.
~ Not to brag or anything, but I was easily the hottest dude at the nursing home BINGO game Saturday night.
~ All the wisdom I have gathered in 53 years on this planet fits in this post … which is why the kid is SO screwed.
~ Sarcasm is the shield … and intelligence the dagger.
~ Contrary to my hypothesis, Lucky Charms and Jack Daniels do not go well together.