~ You know what’s annoying? Pretty much everything.
~ “We’re going to get you a ten day supply of antibiotics. Go have a seat in our pharmacy for three hours while we count out 20 pills.”
~ I rode an exercise bike backwards for 3 hours and haven’t gained any weight. In fact, I LOST 3 pounds!
~ My nickname at my old job was “I thought you got fired…”
~ Dwayne Johnson’s toilet knows a thing or two about rock bottom.
~ Welcome to Camouflage Club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week… which is very disappointing.
~ Starting tomorrow I promise I will stop putting things off.
~ Your secret is safe with me… as long as it’s boring.
~ CNN is reporting that Joe Namath’s coat HAS been released back into the wild.
~ It’s a miracle of science that our little 6-gallon bathroom trashcan currently weighs 137 pounds.
~ If you don’t learn to laugh at yourself… everyone else will.
~ I’m really not lazy. I just really enjoy not doing things.
~ CNN is reporting on an IMPORTANT CELERY RECALL: Don’t eat it… it tastes yucky.
~ Every time I get a haircut the lady says, “Wow you have a lot of hair” as if that’s not why I’m there.
~ When someone opens a door for me I like to put my hand on it too, just to make sure they know that I don’t trust them.
~ One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened… and never went back.
~ If a guy makes a mistake, and no one is there to see it, does a woman still remind him of it for the next 25 years?
~ I find it weird that grocery stores sell pizza, frosting, and whip cream, but that some people still buy kale.
~ I thought I started getting pedicures when I was on the road because it was relaxing and as a way to pass the time. But today I realized it’s because I can’t reach my toes anymore.
~ There is nothing worse than a stupid question when you aren’t allowed to answer sarcastically.
~ If you were wondering how skilled I am, last week when it was 3°, I slid down the entire sidewalk on one foot before I face planted.
~ Complaining about the buttheads on-line is like complaining about beer drinkers at a football game. What did you expect?
~ My steaks I like medium. But my mistakes… THOSE I like well done.
~ My former coworkers are still like family to me… we don’t enjoy spending time together or have much in common.
~ I’ve noticed no one smiles wider than a woman taking a photo next to a less attractive female.
~ I’m still holding out for a happy childhood.
~ Even in hindsight I have no idea what’s going on.
~ For those just starting their families… having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator. So be prepared.
~ Did you know The Amish do more before 9am than I do all year long? Truth.
~ There is a lost art of shutting the hell up.
~ I’m not sure if OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) cooking has improved or if my immune systems have strengthened.
~ I’m thinking I should probably keep my scale right in front of my fridge.
~ The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
~ I’m still not exactly sure what I want to do with my life, but I’ve narrowed it down to the opposite of whatever I’m doing at any given time.
~ I’d describe myself as indoorsy.
~ If you’re not part of the solution, you’re probably part of my family.
~ I’m made up of 10% wisdom & 90% ‘it sounded better in my head.’