~ My TrailerHood neighbors who live next door said, “Hi” to me at Wal*Mart, but I didn’t recognize them because they weren’t shouting obscenities at each other.
~ For me, the scariest part of Godzilla was when the guy in the audience yelled at his toddler to stop crying.
~ Twitter is getting tough. Your password must now include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is mad that she bought me a treadmill and thinks I never use it, but just this morning I put a burger on it and had it zoom into my mouth.
~ I hate it when Facebook is down and I have to call people to ask how many miles they ran that day.
~ A relationship where you can insult each other is the best type of relationship.
~ OK… OK… I’ll admit it. I’ve fallen in hate with my former boss.
~ My life is a constant battle between my love of food… and not wanting to get fat.
~ Do people who say, “Exercise helps me relax” even KNOW about not exercising?
~ If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
~ Thanks to the Friday the 13th movie series, I now have serious trust issues with anyone wearing a hockey mask or carrying a machete.
~ I frequently confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb,” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like, “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
~ A tattoo sleeve used to mean you were a biker who would kill. Now it means you’re a chef who makes a lovely pork belly with a balsamic drizzle.
~ If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by my bank’s options for security questions.
~ I wish my old job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d needed to do was kill the boss.
~ One of my favorite activities is going to a drive thru and repeatedly stressing during my order that “this is to go.”
~ I like to help other people find things by pointing out that it’s gotta be around here somewhere.
~ If pizza places cold-called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
~ I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the heck he was protecting his eyes from.
~ The way I react when my alarm clock goes off can best be described as “17-year-old girl being denied a curfew extension.”
~ Rednecks are the only ones who proudly display the reasons you should hate them on the back of their trucks.
~ We no longer live paycheck to paycheck. We now live paycheck to 4 days before paycheck.
~ I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
~ I was about to have some berries and Greek Yogurt, but decided to go with one hundred onion rings instead.
~ If you wait for the right moment, you’ll wait forever.
~ I’m amazed at how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
~ I try not to be weird just for the sake of being weird… because that is just weird.
~ I eat a lot of wrappers accidentally because they are in my way.